A happy hello

I haven't been this happy in a very long time. And I have no one to tell this to. I think I can tell you because no one reads you anymore. I didn't feel like writing to you for the past 12 years, but I do feel like writing now, with all that I have felt recently and am feeling now. 

Nervous laughter, warm hands, staircases, dimly lit lamps, the wind and the lake, dirty shoes, cricketers, tea, a well-kept garden, no snakes, small walks, large smiles, repetitive music, cabs and good sirs driving them, earrings, packed food, sleeping leopard, forehead, Nerds :'), wrong gates, soft and intimate, phone calls, warm hands again, a glass of water, squirrels, ginger, lemon, honey, sunsets, hugs and yearning.

It has been a long time I updated this blog properly. Maybe a year. I remember how diligently I used to write for this blog and proudly used to showcase. So many years with this blog. From small things to big things. Thought to love. Everything.

But now that the person who was the inspiration behind this blog is no more with me, I declare it closed. For her this was. Will be :)

And anyways it is half dead. The other half death is just an obligation

To this blog and her,
I wanna love my life.

I love both of them.

I tried to capture the sun,
it spilled all the light on me,
and then asked,
son, still you can’t see?

For all who took it

Today was JEE.

Sitting in a really nice university, when I log in to an e-paper I can see pictures of students getting out of the entrance test centers. Sitting in a really nice university, I realize that I could have been one of them.

Five of my friends rejoined, revived, and re-activated their facebook accounts today after three years. And made me realize that they existed. I talked to them, one was very happy, three were skeptical, the fifth one never replied. Maybe he forgot about my existence during the past three years.

Crammed in rooms, crammed with books, a million lives in our country study for this entrance, and each one of them wants to be there, there in that IIT. Because they know that if they won’t be there, they will be everywhere where everyone is. Call this a disillusion rendered by our country, or our childhood, or our ambition of the highest, or our nation’s failure to provide the highest to everyone, every guy and girl studying for it has the same desire. And only a portion gets selected, or lets call it a percent. That is what makes this entrance special, for it’s a heart break!

But be it two years or three years, each one of these students has done his sums, and preparation and each one of them have done more than I have ever done in my life. Years of their childhood spent in hard work.

It shows how much dedication it takes,

and pain.

Today was JEE

We usually celebrate achievement,

Lets celebrate desire and passion today.

For all the JEEians, who may or maybe not be IITians,

Salute :)

Old beds.

As the sun finally set, he pushed the curtain to cover the windows. The sunset of the day felt weird to him, one could feel that he didn’t really like it. Barefoot, he stood there touching the wooden rough of his newly acquired cupboard. No, this wood is too new to be loved, he thought. It certainly was, as the cupboard was newly made out of freshly cut wood, and thus devoid of any history or scar.

As the cold stung his bare feet, he moved them towards his new shoes that shone the color white. For a moment, he remembered his mud clad sneakers, and the memory of scrapping out the mud from it using broken branches of the small tree outside his home. He a moment, he smiled at its dirty image in his mind, which he had safely brought from his home.

A yawn struck him with comfort, but his mind wasn’t ready to give up dreaming for the day. Flattening his new brown sheet, he sat on the bed with his feet down. The bed was lower than the bed he had slept all his life on, and gave him no space to sway his legs freely. He realized that he will have to give up on a few too many habits.

The bed was monstrous, but pretty small for a soul to settle in. Its iron boundaries gave him the coldest and lifeless feeling a non living thing could. The room looked white to him in the bright light of the tubes, and he wondered if the yellow tinge of his old room will ever return to his eyes. He decided he disliked such a bright room. He scratched his head, and the yawn came back to revive his conflict between sadness and escape. Stretching his arm, he wrapped his finger around the beer bottle he got for himself. He wanted and had promised himself to gulp it all, once he was settled. He realized he was not. But the water droplets on the surface of the bottle were too sweet, and tempting to resist. And he didn’t want to, resist.

Squeak, squeaked a rat.

His neck turned, and his eyes met a small brown rat that was acting unusually slowly. Maybe, even he was new to the room, or like him, the whole town. He squeaked, again. He was small, his eyes made the observation again. The rat darted off towards his cupboard, and his eyes darted after him. Squeak, it squeaked again. He smiled. He felt nice with a rat around. Both trapped in a place they want to run away from. But both had to be there to learn that they had to be there. Both couldn’t help.

The breeze came, and forced the curtain to fly. Maybe it is right this way, he mused. The intoxication can’t go on for years for sure, nor will the place. He decided to get used to the place, rather than the intoxication.

Like us

For a someone like none.

It was cold, the breeze came,
you held me, making us,
you held me, without a fuss.

I never asked for,
what you did,
inside your arms,
I gleefully hid.

Today when you leave,
I miss all the leaves,
we broke,
All the words,
we spoke,
All the tears,
we shed,
wiped the eyes,
very red,
All the smiles,
we flashed,
All the water,
we splashed,
All the stones,
we walked,
All the hours,
we clocked,
All the dreams,
we dreamt,
Our long hair,
happily unkempt,
The hands we held,
together,
The hopes we flew on,
a feather,
The days we spent,
the nights that went.
Our friendship
a beauty, and a joy,
and happy as a toy.

Now you leave,
it to dust,
in a pool of tears,
to rust.

You are going away,
as I stand here,
I may or may not cry,
But I surely do care.

It's dark

Speak, slowly, it’s dark,
candle, fire, a little spark,
a step, walk, you stumble,
leaf, falls, a crumble.

A shadow falls, ov’r the sky,
the day dies, without a cry,
the dog barks, the hen sleeps,
dead leaves, the widow sweeps.

Dawns the dark on the night,
voices sleep whispering bright.
I come n’ sit, on the chair,
watching the floor, barely fair.

The cold came whispering me tales,
of dead birds, n’ silent wails,
of drowning men, n’ fallen kings,
of crying girls, n’ empty swings.

The blinds were dull,
the air was a lull,
The eyes were sleep,
a distant weep.

I clutched, the wood,
I slowly stood,
One hand had the flicker,
the other, the liquor.

The wail had its prey,
it started its say,
“The moon may shine,
tonight won’t be fine,
the candles will die,
as the bats will fly,
your eyes will talk to dust,
behind pages, spies will rust
you are watched by dark,
surrounded by the bark,
the dark will reveal,
the devil’s own deal
but you’ll fail to see,
as you struggle with glee,
thus you are my prey,
as night lives its day.”

Silence, drowned, the place,
extinguished dark, with grace,
stunned, I stared,
into the hollow,
empty, nothing, to follow.

It felt strange, dying,
like a laughter crying,
my soul, wandered, lost,
cold, still, like frost,

I slumped, and fell,
bliss, engulfed with a swell,
the dark showed me life,
accompanied by a heart’s strife.

I may have been a prey,
beyond black, lied my grey,
the dark showed me all,
from big, wrong, right to small.

A smile etched, I blinked,
died, as the cups broke and clinked.

From Amrikka, with love

And now the U.S. president will address the parliament.

Mr. Vice President, Madame Speaker, Mr. Prime Minister, Members of the Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha, and most of all, the very useful people of India.

I thank you for the great honor of addressing the very opportunistic representatives of more than one billion blind Indians and the world's largest opportunity err I mean democracy. I bring the greetings, friendship, and a few goodies of the world's oldest dominating democracy-the USA, including nearly three million marginalized and patriotic Americans Indians.

I am a man of few words, because I don’t know many.
Over the past two days, me and my wife had the opportunity to witness schoolchildren who are being taught very nicely to work in and for our country, and also the innovators who are fuelling USA’s economic rise more than India’s. At every stop, we have been welcomed with hospitality for which the honible Indians are known for. The dreams in their eyes, to work in the microsofts, and googles of USA. Some will succeed, for others we have our hygienic grocery shops.
I am not the first president, nor the last president to visit this charming country. But yes, I am the president who has brought the highest number of opportunities for the classes, not the masses.
After witnessing the rise of India, I believe that the relationship between USA and India will be one of the defining relationships in this century. From a country of snake charmers, it has become a land of big industrialists and rich farmers. Thus I believe that India is our bandwagon for the further development of our country, and thus I am here to book as many opportunities as I can for my country.
I am here to tell you that India and USA are like brothers, USA being the elder one. As an elder brother, we will take adequate care of you, though sometimes we may snatch your lollipops but that is to ensure that you people ever get pampered.
Maybe we don’t share common values, but yes you people are catching up. I can see your clothes getting shorter by the day. Your people now have an accent which resembles ours. And now the sophistication is pretty clear in your eyes. Only today I was talking to the young entrepreneurs of your country, how individualistic, ambitious, and power hungry they have become. They just need a direction. We will show them the way. We have the executive positions for you, the laboratories are ready for you, the call centers are empty, just for you. We believe that no matter where you live-whether a village in Punjab or the bylanes of Chandni Chowk…an old section of Kolkata or a new high-rise in Bangalore-every person deserves the same chance to have the opportunity to work, earn, and live under us. That is why, this time I have brought more corporate minds than beaurocrats . We really want to stamp our presence in your markets. After all our macdonalds feed your mouths. I am here for strong business, which will be good for me, and good for you my audience. The United States remains-and will continue to remain-one of the most open economies in the world. And we want to open your economy, I hope you understand what I mean.
We are ready to share our nuke secrets with you, but that comes at a cost. You may call it freedom, and have some complains. But trust me it is worth it. And anyways you haven’t a done a good with your freedom till now. And about the permanent seat in UNSC, we are ready to vouch for you. But again, we don’t want you getting mushy with iran then. We don’t want you to pursue foreign policies that may hurt your elder brother, the USA. You may call this curtailment of sovereignty, but then who will put you on the right track if not your elder brother. Talking about the Pakistan problem, and the terrorism that affects your dinner table, I just have a sentence to say. Millions die of diseases in your country due to diseases every year, so why such a hue and cry about a few hundred who die at the hands of your neighbor?
To sum up this short speech, I really want to say that you are our partner in Asia, because China is too strong to be made one. We will always give you opportunities to speak when we want you to. We are committed to see that you don’t develop too much, that it may hurt us in the end. And yes, we take the credit and responsibility of indirectly shortening your population. To speak out a manipulated quotation from your oh so wonderful panchatantra – “That one is mine and the other a stranger is the concept of little minds. But to the large-hearted, the world itself is itself is a bag full of opportunities and booty.”

Thank you, Jai Hind!, and long live the relationship between India and the United States. The relationship of money or morals, is our discretion.

The Morgue

The door creaked, and the gap opened,
voices boomed, and boots were heard,
the wind was very still, the air was full of death,
you are in the morgue my friend, the world of dead men.

"Welcome, welcome" sang every dead,
"welcome to your cold hot bed",
"now you are us, for all your death",
"you'll survive heartless breathing without a breath."

The dead hummed as they greeted the new,
they swayed slowly as their white cloth flew,
Their eyes were black, and the skin was blue,
the scars were there, and the blood was true.

"We sleep all day, we sleep all night",
"with eternal dark around, we wake at innocent bright",
"we sing for new, we sing for old",
"If not a life, we have a soul to hold".

The cold steel was clear, the cold was gray,
containing the glorious dead who would never pray,
the moon shone the floor, the panes shadowed the blurred,
none saw inside, nor inside saw the world.

"here no one comes, and no one goes"
"some died of life, some died of blows"
"the corridors are blue with our eerie cold"
"no one bought us, nor we got sold"

The body in jewels laid down along the one in rags,
after dying they were brought in the same plastic bags,
the cruel morgue puts dead men together,
every proud, arrogant, humble under the same feather.

Not a living came to visit or see a dead one,
after being silenced they never felt the love nor the sun.
the remains lay in cold, devoid of any belief,
the morgue killed every joy, and buried any grief.

Blind eyed men

A knife with a blunt edge,
a pen made a blurred sketch.
a leaf that broke away,
a child that went to pray.

I stand here with a cup in hand,
one foot on in mud, one in sand.
I lost my eyes when pecked by a hen,
to live in a world of blind men.

The wind sways under clouds,
the crows call out to their kin,
I stand here with a cup in hand,
as blind as a barbed pin.

The dust settles, and it rains,
men work, and their children play.
I stand here with a cup in hand,
on me creep up the dogs stray.

The sound of the water,
and the beautiful fish that swim,
I stand here with a cup in hand,
as the day ends with the light dim.

The moon comes up to fly,
the black sky celebrated by the stars,
I stand here with a cup in hand,
as small girls dance around with flowers.

The fragrance of something that bakes,
the voice of the wives over the shops,
I stand here with a cup in hand,
as the world buys, sells, and robs.

The night ends to draw a new day,
if the previous was black, this is as grey.
The days end and end as leaves brake,
men are too busy to take a notice fake.

I am strong enough to stand here with a cup in hand,
notice the world with feet on hot sand,
I maybe a blind beggar standing with a cup in hand,
but I can still see and celebrate my land.

I am a blind beggar who can pen,
standing in a world of blind men.

The Cruise

Due to the inert happiness, I was bored and down,
I wore my shoes, and decided to go round the town.

I unbolted and opened the house gate,
feeling the cold metal which my hand ate.

The air was cool, the sky wasn't clear,
The dark clouds pretended to be far, in fact they were near.

I started walking on the road, kicking the lumps of mud,
watched laborers working, mixing water with their blood.

And their children lying naked under the heat,
deprived of food, dying bodies with dirty feet.

Rubbing my shoes on the gravel, I moved ahead,
Met a fruitseller selling apples green n' grapes red.

Fruits he never ate, he offered with grace,
owned trembling hands with a pleading face.

I looked up to see the blue sky,
saw rich men sitting in a vehicle pretty high.

I looked down to see the seller again,
smiled at him, and understood his pain.

Clothing my hands with pockets I went ahead,
to find beggars asking for bread.

Some were one eyed n' others had two to see,
sitting along the walls where men usually pee.

A big structure stood on the other side of the road,
decorated by a great honoured politician hanging on a board.

The public servant who served the ones who could give him back,
and did charity to himself by filling his sack.

A little ahead came restaurants with huge yellow smiles,
preparing food they were to throw at night in piles.

Suddenly I ran, moved my feet to escape,
leaving human bodies behind to stare and gape.

And I reached a tree brilliantly huge and strong,
with yellow leaves, and branches in directions wrong.

I touched the roots, and felt the wind across my face,
putting my hair right across the wrong place.

Opened my arms to call out for rain,
standing in the world so just and sane.

Incidentally the god heard, and rain did start,
I started the run, shirt tugged to the heart.

The big houses went, and the flair passed,
there were servants in them, brilliantly grassed.

The shanties came, flowing with the water,
a thin father running after his daughter.

The canal came, with boat in it,
a sailor directing it with his dying grit.

An old man struggled with the umbrella and the stick,
as the water around him made him pretty sick.

Atlast the home reached my shoes,
as I ended my silent cruise.

I jumped on, on my bed,
laughed, cried, cursed, and said

"Life is so weird, a god with a beard.
He never shows his face, never gives everyone a good place.
He makes one a king, the other one to sing,
but all the others get struggle on which to cling.
A god he with a beard, he never shows face.
If he ever does, I am sure that many will take his case."

Bodhki Ram Buddhu

Any god who may read,
The post office of heaven,
The sky.

Date : 3rd of august on earth.

Subject : Too light for the intellectual god

Dear God,
I dearly hope that this letter finds you as soon as it reaches the heaven. I hope you won’t be out on an inspection session in hell, because I don’t want any sub ordinates of yours to read this very private letter.

God, I have been surrounded by intellectual people all over. The simple problem I have is that I am finding it very hard to survive among such people. The way they talk, their mannerisms, the way they eat, the way they use their genitals, the way wipe their butts after using the washroom, and the way they show me down, and make me feel like an outcast. I am really miserable god. When my friends in the classroom raise their hands, and answer to the teachers, I feel stupid. Leave the answers, I am unable to understand the questions for starters. These intellectual people talk in hushed tones, and look at me in bewilderment when I shout or stand up on benches or break plastic scales on someone’s head for just a bit of fun. They make my life boring, and the fact that my parents want me to be one of them kills me every night when I go to piss in my garden. My parents want me to comb my hair, wear the tie with a perfect knot, talk in a sophisticated manner, and act sensible, and I don’t even know the meaning of sensible. Those big books with more than a hundred pages fail to hold my interest, until and unless they don’t have monkeys and donkeys illustrated on their pages. I have been flunking all my exams except the drawing one because the drawing teacher declined to give me grades after she saw what I drew. The only solace is when I go to play in the playground. But then, even there the games they play have so many rules. There is this game of a stick and a round ball they play in which there is a boundary of limitation, and so many men standing surrounding the man with the stick, and surprisingly the man with the stick never hits them. I fail to understand their rules god, I prefer kicking stones, and digging holes in the playground, and occasionally I get kicked for it by the other people in the ground. And then in class, most of the people wear these round rimmed things with glasses fitted in them on their eyes. It makes them look ugly, and when I ask them the reason of wearing it, they tell me that it makes them read better, and obviously make them more intellectual. You should listen to their jokes god. You have to think about the joke four times, and then you get it, and then you laugh on it. There was this joke I overheard once in the afternoon, and I started laughing at midnight when I atlast got it, and I was sleeping between my parents, and got a spanking from them for being uncivilized, and unsophisticated. What an unfortunate, and sad a joke, it was for me.
I won’t blame you for not making me intellectual. But I beg you to place me somewhere on earth, where the people aren’t so intellectual. When I see the dumb people of my class, I find peace and solace in them. They are the ones who never answer, have the most sleep, the largest of the yawns, the loudest of the burps, and the farts, and the most fun. Their jokes evoke laughter from within. And they have such innocent smiles. Please put such people along with me in some lonely deserted land, and I promise that we will do good enough deeds to qualify for heaven, and make you proud.

cigars,
Your seven year old kid,
Bodhki Ram Buddhu

Good Night

go go go go go
run run run
to the shadows under the blanket,
to a life warm,
and a sleep calm.

a sweet an air that will run over you,
and the eyebrows that will move when you dream,
a pretty face smiling with a beam.

the soft eyes won't move anymore,
you will turn red as you sleep,
as black will turn more dark and very deep.

hours will pass over you,
and you will run through it,
because you have to wake up and sit.

go go go go go
run run run
today's work is done,
tomorrow is waiting with a grunt,
and another happiness you will have to hunt.

Morning Mile

A ray wakes me up out of a dream,
To be treated with milk with cream.

A yawn I possess as I drink,
Shying from the bright I blink.

Slowly I tilt towards the window,
to find a sparrow and a crow.

A smile on my face spreads,
As I sway pulling threads.

I jump across to stand,
To stretch I raise my hand.

Cleaning my teeth I think about last,
Throwing yesterday into my past.

The cold floor feeling my warm feet,
As I brush my teeth clean and neat.

Then the soap so soft washes me nice,
I fill the bucket less than twice.

Out of the tile room I run to dress,
White shirt, blue pants are a bless.

The blue tie with a permanent knot,
The badge I lost and yesterday bought.

The shoes dusty I wear without polishing,
As my mother shouts I softly sing.

And I see to my left to find my strong bag,
With seventeen books I was to drag.

The mirror comes to me for my hair,
Thinking today I won’t emulate the mare.

Smiling and laughing I run away from it,
But father combs my hair after making me sit.

The bread in my mouth and the one in my box,
So much stuff in the mouth turns me red like a fox.

A good child in me turns into a student,
To the school I have to be sent.

Like a leaf without a tree,
My childhood I see

A south Indian

As i write this, my hand is shivering. Maybe I am just too confused to keep it still. One month in the law university, and sentiments are back after the initial excitement and anxiety of a new place.

I reached here to find a big south indian as my room mate, and a silent south indian at that. I guess he didn't want to trust the north indian sitting in the room. The days started, and I used his laptop to chat with my friends at night. I asked him to talk, and he did with an ease which looked like he always used to talk. The legal studies on, classes on. I, the sleeper in the room was woken by him everyday at seven, after a lot of effort of course(which included messages, calls, and surely names). A four o' clock waker, I found a lot of innocent manliness in him. I did ask him a lot of questions about himself, he gave me a lot of answers about himself, the thing ended there. He used to listen to our vulgar language and used to ask the meaning. Thus our Bala is the man -

(a) who rarely speaks, but when he does beats all in humour and vulgar.
(b) the man, who when asked by seniors to call himself 'babba' (due to his big size), spoke his full name clearly, and trust me no senior was ready to force him to say babba.
(c) the guy who has been most effective in waking me up in the morning till now in my hostel life.
(d) the guy who can blush more than any girl.
(e) the guy who even with a fracture can still walk up and down the staircase ten times a day.
(f) the guy who had the guts to wear what he wanted to without submission.
(g) the student who got us all the internet safeguards, the downloads and proxies available, and saved our computer.
(h) the student with whom the whole pressure of studies amounted to nothing, and the discussions were too sharp to be slow.
(i) the roommate whose acer aspire 1 saved my relationship and destroyed one relationship (aayush's)
(j) the person who is intellectual as high as he is fat. Maybe more.
(k) the mate who cared about me, and vinaya.
(l) the boy who used to stand silently while I used to blabber about my perspective.
(m) the human being I am sure will be something very big in his life. And very means more than very.

I remember thinking this when I just sat in my new room on the first day of hostel life here - After five years, when I will leave this university, I will miss all my friends like hell. Like hell and like hell. But just after 25 days, when this guy is leaving the university, for he cleared the best law university in India, I am having the same feeling. I am shivering.

A friend of 25 days, and I know I always fall in love with south Indians.

To this south indian, from chunni (aayush) and sleepy (me), tata bye bye.

P.S. - We will miss watching you snore at 3 in the night.

Anger, pain, and insanity.

I can understand I am insane when I start listening to music at full volume, punching my wall to feel the knuckles. I perfectly understand I am insane, and for a considerable amount of time too. I am insane right now too, and if I keep typing for a long long I am sure to break the keyboard. And yes, I am dangerous during this time.

Let me understand my insanity, in my childhood I used to be angry, very angry. When angry, I used to bite my tongue between the two jaws, it gave me pleasure. I wanted to crush my anger source, to split that person into two, taking a knife and blowing his eyes, inserting hot rods in his ears, burning his lips, and then with finesse cutting him into two parts vertically. I used to visualise it all keeping the person in mind. And no, it never gave me any pleasure, it gave me incentive to at least punch him to some bleeding.

The primary reason for my childhood anger was the non-introduction of reason of anything. Like someone asked me to do anything and then he didn’t give me a reason, I felt the same for him as I felt for the person in the paragraph above. Reasons are basically important for me, and as I have seen in this world, either there is reason or there is bloodshed. Thus the same went with me, as a kid I couldn’t blood up anyone but yes I used to fantasize of killing my anger sources, pathetically at that.

Pain grew as a cure to anger. I don’t understand mental torture or pain or any of the shit novels, and people say, I don’t believe in it because I haven’t ever seen it. I believe in physical pain, because I have seen people crying out of pain and punches. And their cries are desires of sympathy, and voice, it gives me intense satisfaction, no doubts.

I grew up to be a lenient person, the anger got buried under layers, and no one really gave me enough reasons to bring it up again. As I entered my 16th year, the pressures came, the reasons came, and the frustration came. It so happened that I started seeing reason in everything I did, but when I was asked to do things opposite of my own reasons it made me angry and when I couldn’t do anything to satisfy my anger it turned into insanity. So much more of punching walls, tearing notebooks, and shouting out to beat my own lungs. And yes, being rude to people intentionally to hurt them and as people tell me, I quite as well succeeded in it.

So, let me draw a graph for my anger, and insanity. In my case, it has a lot to do with pleasure I gain from self inflicted pain, and a lot of encouragement from the fantasies I give birth to. In anger, I see reason, and that reason tells me that I am irrational. On the other hand, people in anger can’t see reason. I see reason, and then I act irrational in the worst possible way. Though I don’t really have a history of violence, to find reason I will always turn insane, and maybe when I have power enough I will inflict the pain on others too.

To end on a sadistic note,

“Let me hurt you before you die yourself.”

A Fairy Tale

A day started with a bag on my shoulder,

I hurried to school picking the pens from the holder.

I sat on the cycle and kicked the paddle,

with zest like sitting on a horse with a saddle.

The journey began with the ups and downs of slope,

violent velocity and a no falling hope.

The insignificant constructions zoomed by,

I knew them, so unbothered I fly.

And then started my anticipated fairy tale,

on the pavement I saw a woman very pale.

I couldn't judge her age from twenty metres,

she was standing outside a house of cheaters.

I saw and stared her till out of sight,

the sad eyes and the face so bright.

The red lipstick and the brows so black,

she sure wasn't from the mansion nor from the shack.

The distinctive saree and the naked feet,

the way she kept her hands were a watch to treat.

I surely got infatuated with the wonder,

I rode that journey with a new found thunder.

At the school, I did maths and science,

for the first time out of tens, I got nines.

There was certainly something special about that day,

I want to see that woman, to the god I pray.

My jolly nine-year old heart kicked on for hours,

I saw dreams of her, I did make towers.

Back at home, I smiled all the time,

Mom thought I was tired & slept me with a rhyme.

The next day journey, I saw her again,

she was still barefoot, and the eyes still showed pain.

I again saw and stared her out of sight,

she stole all my day and she stole all my night.

So the journey every morning changed for good,

I saw her everyday while riding, but never stood.

She was there everyday, she didn't notice me at first,

she seemed lost in her mind like quenching her thirst.

After a lot of days, she finally noticed me,

a frown on her face, like she was angry at me to see.

I didn't change routine, I still stared as I paced,

still the frown on her face didn't get replaced.

Then one auspicious journey, she gave me a weak smile,

whole day I felt bouts of joy while after while.

I was so happy, I wanted to save that smile in a glove,

my nine year old heart sure fell in pure love.

She became my fairy, she was my dame,

every day her smile was a joy and still the same.

The twenty metres between us never got less,

she was always the same beautiful, always the same dress.

Months and months passed like a dream,

she was my ecstasy, a heaven she did seem.

With the journey, I changed into a happy boy,

even at twenty metres, her smile pleased like a toy.

One day my father decided to drop me at school,

during the journey he caught me staring at her like a fool.

He saw her, and said, "Oh, that's an eunuch."

he pronounced the word like she was an ugly duck.

That day in school, I stole a dictionary from the library,

I read the meaning, it was so short and scary.

When I learnt all about it, I was shocked to death,

I cried and cried all day and got short of breath.

Thus I understood that it wasn't natural to love her anymore,

I stopped the journey with a heart broken and sour.

Bliss was so nice, bliss was so sure,

that part of my soul broke with no cure.

But even if I couldn't love her, I still smile at her thought,

the happiness, the love, the joy she brought.

She will be my fairy, she will be my fairy tale,

that person so sad, that person so pale.

1460 days

This is not nostalgia. This is just a realisation that how fast life moves, and how we mistake it being too slow. I clearly remember how four years during the end of eighth standard, I counted out the days I had more to get out of home. 1460 days was the perfect figure and for a dozen or so days I used to cross out the days mentally. But the overwhelming number of days never seemed like ending, so I gave up counting them out. And today when I sit here on this chair, I realise that I only have a few days left and then I will be out of my own house forever. How time came and went by, each day passed away leaving weak memories occasionally. I was fourteen years old back then and how I longed to grow up. But there was one thing I had back then, and that was that I used to dream. I was an innocent dreamer, the one who used to play, study, and appreciate his own actions highly. I used to be amused, and awed by things back then, but now things only satisfy me. The sense of realism and rationality which has been crusted on me has killed that tender dreamer. Entering the ninth standard, my mind bought itself restrictions called love and future. The future of packages, of doing great, and the burden of being successful did direction me to a scripted path. And of love, I discovered a whole new world of girls. As a student of boys’ school, my contact and experience with girls had been lesser than zero. They were creatures from whom I shied from, little beautiful beings that were just meant to be admired, and dreamt about secretly under the blankets, things about whom you think about, smile and blow away like an unachievable dream. But introduction to a complicated thing like sex and flesh blood girls did make me think about them a lot. The usual concept of love did affect me and as a teenager I half forced and half lusted myself to fall into it. And for the first time in my life I had aims or roughly restrictions, love and future.

I vaguely remember my first day in my school in kindergarten, the parents saw off their kids in the quadrangle, and so did my father. Out of habit, I asked my father to come down lower near to my face so that I could kiss him. As a very private person, my father declined and softly said “This isn’t exactly the right place, son.” as the quadrangle was full of parents and students. Then he put his big hands on my face, gave me a big smile and left. I clearly remember the denial of his cheek that day. I didn’t know of embarrassment at that age.

And then there was this day, when we entered Ist standard from kindergarten. I and my best friend were sitting on the stairs, and then I held up my newly acquired blue school tie and announced, “Piyush, we are seniors now!” How big I felt and how senior I felt that day. I guess that was the biggest I ever felt in my life. And now, when I am in the highest standard of my school life, I don’t feel like a senior at all, it is just as something which is going on and has no significance. Like someone has forced me into a boat named ‘Puneet’s life’ and the oars of the boat are being controlled by someone else.

I am the only son of my working parents and from a young age I had this habit of being alone in my house for long periods of time. I have loved the hollowness and silence of the house from the beginning, it gave me my own space of imagination and the faint light coming out of the curtains have always fascinated and ignited my mind in weird ways.

The earliest and first girl in my life was the daughter of my mother’s fellow colleague in the school. I was 5 or 6 years old and I used to go to my mother’s school on some days, and she also used to come. She was my same age, I remember how we used to jump on the desks, and run through the empty classrooms. I don’t know if she was pretty or not, but she did look beautiful to me back then. I haven’t met her for twelve years, but I so want to meet and feel her now. It isn’t a feeling of love or longing, it is just that I want to see how she has grown up. I adore my memories with her, and just want to match myself with her now.

All my life I have been a good student when forced, and till sixth standard, my mother forced me enough to be great at studies. I still remember her reading out every line of the hindi chapter and then also explaining it to me. I have always been awful at hindi. She had been a good teacher to me. She just left me on my own in seventh standard and I somehow like the decision now. It made me wander into different spheres of life by myself.

I turned 18 a few days back. The 1460 days went by and that too faster than a flash. I don’t miss myself being a child, but I miss my open sky at which I used to gaze, and my open grounds on which I used to run. I hate paths and I hate directions, and somehow I feel that I lost something in my transition to being an adult. I miss something, something very dear, and something which defined me. I guess I need to cry. I need to cry.

Get the dogs

“Get the dogs”, pronounced the mayor,
Agreement went through the crowd as he rose from the chair.

There were to be no more dogs in that town called ‘tray’,
All the living things watched in amazement as all the dogs vanished in a day.

The people smiled at the absence of dog shit near their garden fence,
Small eyed, big minds, they were preachers of the materialistic silence.

The new found echo of the silent bark was accepted,
“Dirty, filthy creatures they were”, mused the intellectual kid.

Tray became a town of an ordered crowd,
Elimination of the animal made them proud.

The sun rose, sat and drowned,
The days went by without a sound.

But somewhere the grand old people were sad like a chalk,
The four legged was no more there to accompany them for their morning walk.

The cats missed their gangly and handsome dogs,
Now they had to flirt with the timid mice and the fat frogs.

The cocks became tired of the whole responsibility of waking the town,
Earlier the bark was enough to wake the people in their gown.

The children had no one to throw the bones and balls at,
Instead of dogs, on their fathers the toddlers sat.

The only vet in the town got bored of treating birds and cats,
He missed the body of fleas, mud and the dirty pats.

The absence of barks made the streets a grave,
No need of running away from the bites made people forget of how to be brave.

The paw marks and squeals of the puppies,
The only music to the ears was the sound of the keys.

There were no more disturbances for the nerds studying at night,
Now they realised how much they enjoyed watching a dog fight.

No more dug grounds, no more treasure around,
It was so monotonous for the teens without the dogs around.

No more shit waiting on the door for the people in the morning,
The morning tea was so tasteless without that sight which was so frustrating.

The poet of Tray lost all his inspiration without the animal,
Without the hairy back, the hanging tongue, life was so dull.

Infants cried out for the wet licks,
Missing the dogs gave them hics.

Tray became a town of a chaotic group,
Absence of the animal made them a deflated troop.

Everyone assembled and asked the mayor to have the dogs back,
The mayor agreed and called for his servant pack.

The servants stood in front of him in a single set,
Not knowing about the task, they were going to get.

“Get the dogs”, pronounced the mayor,
“We killed all of them, so there are none left here”

And thus the sun rose, sat and drowned,
And the days went by without a sound.

The Rejection

“Are you nuts dude?” Aron told me instead of asking. Eighteen year olds do that all the time.

“Here take the nuts” I handed him an imaginary bowl containing brown nuts full to the brim.

See that’s what love does to you. You start imagining so optimistically that you see everything going your way (in this case, my friend’s way).

“Are you sure that you are going to propose her, I mean if you want a hug, a kiss or a fuck, take her out to an abandoned place and out of boredom you people will definitely end up doing at least one of the three”

“I want comfort, I am tired of being single, I am going crazy without her, and I love her.” I defended my proposal feebly.

“Have a fuck with love, I can’t believe you are doing this”

“By the way, I need to buy a gift for her, I can’t propose her empty-handed.” I tried to steer him to another topic.

“Yeah, and this time I am accompanying you, you don’t want to repeat those bad smelling strange orange flowers which you gave her on her birthday” and sometimes I wonder how fast friends accept your actions and agree to be a part of it.

He stood up and went to the refrigerator.

“Why the fuck isn’t there any coke in it?” he just needed excuses to swear.

“The coke reminds me that did you do anything with Georgia that evening over the cold drinks?” I wanted the details, kisses are always fun to hear.

“No, she only kissed the coke can that evening”

“I guess you also need to propose her”

“For a kiss? To do hell with your proposal.” He barked as he threw imaginary bowl back at me.

See things were coming my way. That is what happens when you are in love.

---x---x---x---x---x---

The shop was exotic, and the things were more exotic. We both stared at this advertisement showcasing a free ticket to the lucky winner to Bahamas, bikini clad beauties sunbathing on the beach.

“Think you win this ticket, and you end up there with your girl as the partner. You won’t even be able to stare at the curves, let alone doing justice to the bodies. All you will end up doing is taking notes on the different types of lingerie dictated by your girl.” said Aron. He did terrify me a bit by the thought of holding handbags full of lingerie. But I wasn’t going for the contest, so no Bahamas, no beautiful bodies and definitely no lingerie.

“I love her man” I really wanted to convince him. He gave me a dirty look and we started the search for the heart winner.

At last I came upon this really beautiful ring with her name’s first letter inscribed on it. It reminded me of a movie, but I put the thought aside and convinced myself that I was the world’s most original Romeo.

I asked the price, and took out the money from my pocket. The money I saved in two months plus all the debts I took for this gift. I admired the ring liking the smooth surface and the shine.

“Are you really going to propose her, as in kneel down in front of her mudding your jeans and extending your hand and telling her all that gibberish?” Aron jerked me as I was going to hand over the bucks. He thought I was joking all the time I told him about her. He now understood it consciously, when I paid the money for the event. Money always seals a deal or an event.

“Yeah, that is the way it is done, right.”

“Uhh, you are going to be in deep shit, and you call it deep love.” He turned the other side to watch the bikini babes as I handed the last bucks I partially owned.

---x---x---x---x---x---

“I like you very much” I was on my knees, and as prophesised by Aron I was definitely mudding my jeans, and she was staring at me wide eyed.

“I like you too. So what is it in hiding? Aren’t we that close as friends that we like each other?” She knew. I know she knew that what I was trying to tell her.

“I mean I like you in that way” It wasn’t going as planned for sure. She moved a little away from me.

“Dave, you really have a special place in my life. I feel so comfortable talking to you or being with you, you are like my best friend. I love you, as a friend though. I don’t want to lose you.” She said as a matter of fact. Who says girls can’t shut you up?

But was that a no? I seriously couldn’t understand. All I wanted was that I wanted her to feel how much I loved her, I wasn’t quite sure how to tell her. She was insisting on me being a good friend to her for a lifetime. I can’t help being reminded of the song ‘House of cards’ by that depressing band radiohead.

I don’t want to be your friend,

I just want to be your lover.

No matter how it ends,

No matter how it starts.

For sure I wasn’t going to sing that out for her. She would definitely say no then.

“I was going crazy without telling you. From two months I wanted to tell you this and wasn’t able to. I love you.” And the surge of feeling made me lively. I really wanted her to say yes. I would have begged, but that wouldn’t have suited my dignity. I skipped the begging part.

“I don’t want to lose you. I never knew that you felt like this for me.” She was definitely making me feel guilty of feeling ‘that’ way. She continued,

“If I would even have an inclination or a hint of this, I would have cleared it to you. I never told you but I was committed. I broke up just two months back.” The last two lines were a blur.

“What?” I thought I misheard, and I was pretty sure of that.

“I was committed, I had a boyfriend. We broke up two months back.” Who said central India was safe from explosives, she just hurled a nuclear at me. I went limp, I really felt empty. I was thoroughly and truly shocked. All the times I talked to her, the long hours all these months, the laughs. I thought I owned them, but it really felt bad that I wasn’t the person she rejoiced with, I was not the person with whom she shared her thoughts with. Her heart was somewhere else when all the time she talked to me. All the attention I gave her, all the time I wanted to see her happy, the times I made her happy, it all went to another person. I felt cheated, I felt like I wanted to die, I don’t know but I couldn’t just come to terms with her having a boyfriend all this time. For once in my lifetime, I felt like a filler for empty spaces. Who was she? The girl with whom I made fun of committed people, the one who hated emotions, the free from love fun loving one, I knew her that way only and I loved her that way only. She was a joy for me. But I didn’t know this girl, the committed one. I was never important, but I thought I was, she made feel so. I wanted to cry for that, I wanted to lie down and cry. I wanted to beat my fists on the ground and cry. But that wasn’t exactly a manly thing to do, so I skipped it.

“And you call me your best friend? You never told me this” I restrained myself from using Aron’s slang.

“I never felt the need to. I don’t share such things with friends. I am like that only.” For god’s sake, is that a reason? I wasn’t ready to understand her. This was getting really dizzy, I didn’t feel like I was there. She must have had her reasons, but I guess I deserved to know at least that.

“I am really sorry, but I never knew that this would happen.” She had a point somewhere, but I wasn’t ready to take it in.

“I don’t want to lose a great friend. Give me some time” said she.

“Time as in?” I asked.

“To get over with it, I guess I don’t deserve it and why should you wait for me, but I had like to have some time, to wait for some time.” She turned away and started going away.

She was beautiful you know. The really beautiful ones you rarely see, the ones who succeed in forming a lump in your throat. She cared for me for that is why she insisted on not losing me. I loved her, I was surer of that now. My jeans were pretty mudded now. Half an hour on knees don’t exactly give you a cushion feeling.

“I guess I have decided to wait for you.” I shouted out to her as she walked away.

“I… thank you” she turned and said as she walked away.

---x---x---x---x---x---

I am eighty years old now and I am sitting on the couch and munching my imaginary brown nuts from my imaginary bowl, with the help of Aron’s dentures waiting for her. (Yes, you guessed it right, he died five years ago due to AIDS, was a gruesome scene. I don’t want to get into the details. They found the body at 2.30 in the afternoon with a live blonde along him. I guess it must be one of his pleasure sessions. So I acquired the dentures through his will, the only thing that Aron wasn’t indebted of)

I am still munching out of my imaginary bowl. See that is what love does to you.

P.S.

@Aron – You are illiterate enough not to read this. I mean you won’t bother to read this, you have your girls.

@Raghav – I heard thirty songs of Radiohead over five times in one night. I didn’t sleep for that whole night. I felt alone, and I felt really alone. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk and discuss this thing with. Sadly I had none. I miss you man.

@Dube – You were correct, I can never get a girl. I am better off with porn.

@Senior Malik – Please don’t give me a lecture series on how many girls I can get. Let me enjoy my sadness.

@Junior Malik – You encouraged me to do this thing, see what happened. Now go eat shit.

@Ass me – Ms. NSPF is really pretty. You were correct, love doesn’t happen at all sides. I know you don’t remember yourself saying that, but what the fuck I need emotional quotations to decorate this post with.

@My first girlfriend whom I never touched – She disappointed me more in one time than you succeeded in disappointing me during our whole relationship. Learn something.

@All the above – I really feel love teaches you to be tender, and the time you spend in it is like special. Something really special. I love you all, you were there to bear my rants on facebook about my crazy love. All the times I screamed, shouted, abused and fought over it. I thank you for that. All the times you gave me advice on gifts, on styles and all the time when you encouraged me to go ahead with my heart. I may bother you no more with her. This hasn’t exactly ended the way I wanted, but then endings are not supposed to be monotonous and predictable.

@The girl I love – I love you, more than you will ever know and more than I can ever tell you. I shall be waiting for you.