10 months and 10 days - kota and bases...

So atlast I tore away from my busy schedule which doesn't really includes studying, and I wrote this post. One year back, during these days only I used to dream(before sleeping) of coming to kota, of living on my own, and the excitement of one's own responsibility. I did come to kota, and I did live those dreams. But now I am going, a more than a bit early than I should have. I came here to fulfill a job, and that was to get into an IIT. I am leaving the job half finished, maybe it will be best for me leave it like that...

This post is dedicated to kota. complete notes, go to doubt classes, discussion with friends, go to the mess, prepare the breakfast, set the alarm, switch off the light before sleeping, study without reminders, buy all the required things... It teaches you a lot, hate it or love it you can't do without it. And I did both, hated and loved it at different times. After all these months, it still seems like I entered kota a week ago only. You can easily lose yourself in the 20000 students studyin here. We had exams every five weeks, and the gap between never seemed like five weeks. Days used to go by like hours, even if the routine was the same I never for a moment felt bored. I enjoyed it, I loved the freedom. I loved the non-interference in my life by parents. Yeah it is true that students of my age should be under a leash or we can go wayward, but uncensored freedom changes your attitude towards life a lot. You are never doing things for others, but for yourself. Be responsible for yourself, remain away from temptations of smoking, drinking and things. It is a big world and a mean world at that.

You are alone here, there are not many real friends you can make, but the ones you make are the best you can ever have. So most of us are alone here in our conquest for the ultimate prize. During the journey you get disappointed a lot of times, mainly when your batches drop because of scarcity of marks or when you suddenly feel helpless. I had this incident in which I was feeling like puking, but I was alone in my room and I felt like I was going to die and wanted to call my mom one last time. I didn't die of course. Kota teaches you disappointment in large quantities, it will throw you in various directions, let you have multiple moods. You have to be a fighter to come back from the disappointment. You feel like a worthless loser most of the times. You promise yourself everyday that you will do wonders the next day, but it is not to be so. You can easily watch your destruction or construction(in whatever way you see it), but the dusty town never spares you.

Most of us act as emotionally disattached students when walking on the road, but in fact we have got all the emotions bubbling and burning in our heart. I made very few friends here in kota, and maybe two or three can be called the real ones. But the one I will never forget was the one I met only a dozen times. The times we both had, walking around the circumference of our colony, discussing many things about ourselves and life. He is one year senior to me and in a short time I was attached to him, maybe because of all the lonliness and emptiness with which kota filled me or I was awed by him. Together we abused many things, insulted each other in subtle ways, but never crossing a peculiar line. We were never really personal, but I learnt one thing, that I can discuss my faults and feelings without really getting personal. Let me call him base(as his playing name is acid). Acid taught me a lot of things, acted as an elder brother. Even if I never had an elder brother or sister, noone till now tried or managed to play that part. Everyone treated me as an equal, but acid suceeded in being an elder brother as well as an equal. Hats off to you buddy. He had his life and maybe he doesn't really likes to respect it, but I did. He had his desires and dreams which he curbed and I respect him for that. And that line of his, "It seems like I bunked two years from my life here" does tell a lot, it shows the humour and pain maybe... A warmth and a real friend, I will miss it all till I die, but then I am going away to meet him again sometime somewhere. I miss this guy, he changed me...

Coming back from emotions

I tore away from my innocent school and came to kota. Kota is not an innocent child, it is an honest adult. It rewards those who are gifted, either with brains or with resilience. It ditches those who think from their heart anad maybe I was one... Till 10th I wanted to do IIT because it was the right thing to do, but not really the thing which I wanted. But the mean consumption of my so-called-right-thing taught me to follow dreams. You can never live without a dream and you can never really live without doing it. It happened with me, maybe it will be correct for me to rectify my mistake and give my dream my chance. I maybe a failure here, but I can be a winner because of the failure. I should hate kota for wasting my year, but I don't. I love it, I love it for its homely insecurity, its uncertainty, its stranger like character... and I love it for teaching me that you can never be happy with what you don't really want. I don't regret coming here and I never will, and maybe all of us should spend a year like this in our lives. I came as a stranger here and I go back as a stranger.

Even after one month of making my decision of going back, I still bite my pillow and throw away a few tears against going back. I will miss it, I don't know how I will survive without kota. But then I survived in kota itself, it gave me enough strength to survive anywhere else... I will survive to come back here and survive for my infinite dreams and desires. It will be exactly 10 months and 10 days when I will leave day after tommorrow. A perfect 10 for kota, and perfect 10 for me to take this decision.

For my friends here,
You are alone here fighting for survival and fighting for your lives...
May you find your lives rather than win...
I am going back...
Maybe I will come back...