Suicidal Tendencies

It was one of those rare days during which both of your parents and friends succeed in depressing you, when your crush shares her chocolate with your more-handsome classmate, when your parents come to know that you were bunking the physics class and come to the conclusion that you were hanging out with a girl, when in reality you were studying for your chemistry coaching test at a friend's house. It was one of those days...

After hearing too much about my diminishing character and my moralities, I slammed the doors on my parents' back and threw myself on the bed with all the anger I could muster little realising that I broke another plastic measuring scale of mine. Tears came down the face, how they all could hate me so much. I am not that bad, maybe I am but still... and I kept on forming stories of my torture through my loved ones' hands. As the self pity poured itself over me, I decided that it was time for another suicide planning, but this time I wanted it to be something big, something which may even rock brick obama out of his beer concerts. Of course my limited imagination didn't get hold of such a self destructive scenario, but I still managed to kill myself in a real pathetic way.

Figure this -

I go to the central main market of the town equipped with a wooden log, a tank of petrol, a golden lighter, and a rope. I steal a stair from one of the shop (my last sin of bravery). I figure out an electric pole which is centrally located to the market. Pull up myself on it, and then put on the petrol on all my limbs, tie my hands to the log of wood, and just like jesus christ I hang there. The only change - I blaze my limbs with fire with the help of the lighter.

So just imagine it - My limbs all burning bright and I am shivering and thrashing myself like mad, but I am contained to that position just like a cross signifying how cross and gross I must have been with myself when I mutilated myself to such a fate... Just imagine.

Now let's come to the economics part - After such a heroic suicide, the morning comes. The first person to see me in the condition, will bag the bragging rights of being a rock-solid person at heart, and he will proudly tell his children, "the body was hanging in front of me, and blood was oozing out of it, even then I didn't faint" The amount of confidence that will be filled in his life will be enormous, who knows he may go on to become the next president of the country. The journalist who will cover all this will have the start to a golder career, no matter how dumb he may be. Same goes for the cameraman. The news channel that will show this 'breaking news' to the country first will have a week full of high TRPs. The psychologist who will try to disassemble my state of mind in front of the camera will instantly get a life-long stock of lame patients(children) who tried to cut their veins, and he will also get himself a column in the local newspaper, "How to handle your children, so that they don't try to commit badly planned suicides". The headlines will be sensational, "Blogger burning". The image of my burning corpse will go poster hit, and will be printed on shirts which punks and geeks will likewise buy. Small toys based on me will start selling, I will be the next 'voodoo' thing. The central market will get a makeover, and become a tourist spot adding joy to the banks of the shopkeepers. A place of worship will be installed in my name under the pole. Students when passing in front of my worship place will seek blessings and encouragement from me. A new found energy will spread through the youth. And I guess the government will be tricked again to think that this guy committed suicide due to examination pressure and who knows that they will do away with 12th boards also. I can't help shouting in joy that how thankful the teens will be to me. Some small time writer will stalk my parents and my not-so-good relatives, and write a novel on my life and the circumstances that led me out of mortal life. It will be a hit (at least the cheap paperback will be) the pirated copy sellers will be able to buy cars out of the money they will make from the novel on me, the next big thing after "The Da vinci code" and the small time writer will become a billionaire and another struggling publishing house will get a new lease of life. My blog will get the highest hits on the internet for the week, giving google another chance to put up advertisements on my blog and earn lots of money (once again). And who knows if pink floyd who have a thing for depression will sing a hit dance single on the events my suicide. New websites will be opened on me, and the imaginative FBI will cry foul play and different theories will start circulating making me more famous and important than that pretty girl called Princess Diana. I surely will occupy half the dinner time of the families around the world. I will go immortal in one night. Even the whole United Nations couldn't have planned such an inclusive stimulus pack for the world which would help the poor and rich at the same time.

But I decided that I am better at living, and who knows my life could do a little better for the world than my death. And with the thought I rolled over feeling the broken pieces of the scale getting embedded in my back and slept.

P.S. - The world is so full of possibilities..

My First half Date - NEARLY COMPLETE

Nothing is sweeter in a coaching class other than defeating a genius who is an egoist and your best friend by 2 marks in a trigonometry test. And that sweetness is multiplied by infinity when it is in front of a girl you have a crush on.
Now I have this friend Anton who is a total genius, studies damn well. We have another guy with us, Kevin, a crybaby unlike what his name suggests. And then me and a girl. Together we make 4 in the coaching. Wait... yes four only.
"How much did you get" asked our cowboy-type-dressed-up coach
"18" mumbled Kevin.
"You"
"28" said Anton looking up from his answer sheet for the first time in the last 40 minutes. I punched my desk and mumbled "yes" to myself.
"You"
"24" said my partner( only in the coaching).
"and you" asked my coach with a sneer. He had that satisfaction that I must have scored in the negative because I was the most inattentive and talkative of the lot.
"30, sir" said I with a satisfaction which my coach had a moment ago. Anton was staring at me. He must be thinking "Boy how did he get that" But then I have scored the highest in the first test of our all new coaching.
"You all can go now. Tommorrow at 6." With that our coach dismissed us from the class without congratulating me.

"Congrats Leo" Kiara congratulated me as we stepped out of the room.
"Thanks, the paper was relatively easy. Where did you do a mistake?" I asked her as I faced her, now i can stare at her pretty face without that nosy coach asking me to shut up or to concentrate on my note-less copy. You see due to the 40 minute examination, he let us go 20 minutes earlier. Now the only thing that I pray for is the late coming of his dad to the coaching. I want some time with her.
"That cos 37 degree question, I have never seen the likes of fancy unit digits in a degree till now, so i didn't know the value of it." she answered in a gruff tone. I think it's a bad idea to ask a girl her mistakes after an examination.
"Oh that, it was relatively easy, pure logic you know. I also didn't know it's value but it was getting cancelled here." I opened the question paper and showed it to her, she pretended to look but I knew that she wasn't interested. So it's a much more bad idea to show a girl the correct answer for her mistake.
Anton and Kevin brushed passed me in a great hurry. I was just going to call out for Anton when i saw that Kevin was weeping.
"What's this, is he crying." she asked me in a hushed tone.
"Yeah, must be. I have seen him crying in the class because he couldn't complete his notes in the prescribed time, and i was laughing because I submitted my last year's notes to escape punishment, so the least marks in the coaching must a really heart breaking blow to him." I told her.
"Hey Leo, I think we should call kevin when he reaches home, he is too upset to be left alone." Anton said in a near dead tone.
"Leave it, he just pretends." matter over, Anton won't say anything more to me because he knows that I despise that Kevin and it won't be any use. Now I was waiting for Anton's dad so that only me Kiara are left and I could take her out to eat something. Well I wasn't exactly hungry but yeah when you eat with a girl you keep eating a variety of things because that's the only time when you keep an eye for the number of courses. We have to impress the girl na.
Time was running out, his dad wasn't going to come early. So with a heavy heart I gave in and decided to take out Anton along with her.
"Listen guy and girl, now that the crybaby has gone, I am giving you a party." I asked them instead of really pleading them.
"Good idea, let's go to the Ruckus it's the nearest pizzeria." Anton stated the spot like he was going to pay the bills. We both looked towards her.
"OK" wow why is she so straight, I mean c'mon no other response but at least she has agreed to come.
"So how will we go." asked Anton, now this guy is always obsessed with bad facts. I come on my cycle, Anton's dad drops and picks him, and Kiara comes on her scooty. So that's a problem there. Who two will be on the scooty of the three? Well that was kind of a jackpot question then. But as a very tender and a resigning soul I am, I gave my best friend the signal.
"You two go there, I will catch you both there" said I. Anton gave me such a look like he has just won the Champions League cup and not believing it. After 30 seconds he managed to get something out of his throat.
"Hey Kiara can I drive the scooty upto the pizzeria if you don't mind" he asked in a very sweet voice though he doesn't have one.
"Yeah of course, if you won't drop me during the journey." she said. Wow!!! No hesitation, no half denials and no problems. I peered into her pearl – black eyes half expecting to find love for my best friend in them. But all I got was a blank stare towards the trunk of a tree besides the empty road.
“See you there in three minutes” Anton raced away with my girl behind him, if you call 30 kmph racing away.

Histronomics – Kiara lives in Anton’s apartment. And Anton had a crush on her from the moment he set his eyes upon her (around 4th standard). And I met Kiara only through him. I am nursing a liking for her from the day I met her. But the teen friendship law says that she is his girl and I am not supposed to woo her.

I took my bike (motor-less in fact, I won’t call it a cycle due my ego) from under the overgrowth of branches grown by our coach. I seated myself on the bike with the efficiency of a hero. With thoughts of Kiara in my mind, I started my short journey.

A boy always savours the air which blows across his face during a bike ride, tries to feel it in his hair (even if they are too short). As I overtook a crawling bus, I realized that this will be the first time I will eat-out with a girl. Sad that I will have to share her company with Anton. A lot of new things happen with you, once you land in 10th standard. A board year always brings pressure and also maturity and the most important thing; courage. So the courage rode me on. I chanced upon to see plants grown on the divider of the road and instead of the usual appreciation of the only thing done by the city corporation I remembered flowers. Oh shit! Why didn’t I think of them, but it was too late now.

I would have presented the bunch of flowers to her in front of the whole restaurant. She would have blushed and said, "Thank you Leo, I never thought you love me so much”

Con-science – Why are you breaking her trust, she considers you only as a great friend.

I reached the pizzeria and parked my motor-less bike along with the other motor bikes. It must look funny that an iron rod assembled thing with pedals is surrounded by heavy metal demons. I looked for my friends but they still weren’t there.
“Hey Leo”
I turned left to see Anton coming towards me. But there was no girl besides him.
“Where is Kiara?”
“She is parking the vehicle”
“I thought you drove the scooty”
“Yeah I did, but as the parking needed a more experienced person, I let her do it.”
“Oh, that is so lame of you” and I laughed at his timid ness. He seems a master of foolishness. No dignity.
“Shut up and by the way, I was mightily surprised when you didn’t stop me from riding that vehicle with her behind.”
“I never thought about it” It never really struck me before that but now I was thinking. Oh man! He took her with him. They were placed on the same vehicle, she must have placed her arms round him during the journey. He must have tried some tricks during the ride. Aarrghh, I can’t think of it anymore. How did I let this mistake happen? Shit, shit, shit, shit.
“She didn’t have a problem with you riding it.” I said after a gap of three minutes, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction that I was jealous.
“Hey guys, what are you waiting for, let’s go inside.” Kiara was back.
“Waiting for your heavenly presence” I replied as I pushed the glass door.
“Whatever” why is she so dismissive of most of the sweet things I say to her. Is that the way most of the girls react? I just want her to be in good humour so that she enjoys and remembers the time we will spend forever.
“All the corners are occupied, let’s take the middle one” I pointed out a table for four which was in front of the serving counter. Both of them nodded.
“So who is going to have a look at the menu” asked Anton after we settled down. Who cares for the food? I just want to stare at her face. But then I realized something.
“Hey Kiara, I think you should inform your parents that you are here and will come a bit late” I didn’t want any trouble from her parents. They needn’t think that t8eir daughter is abducted or something.
“Yeah I think I should”
“Here take my cell” I offered her my cell phone. She didn’t bring one. She hated them.
“I’ll be back in a minute” she went towards the entrance with my cell in her right hand.
“What are you going to order?” Anton asked as soon as she got out of sight.
“I have just enough money for buying a six piece large pizza”
“O.K.”
“You take the money and order at the counter”
“O.K., give me the money”. I handed him the whole of the bills that were in my wallet, but just enough for a large pizza. It left me broke. Sitting alone I started tapping on the table and peered over the males to find young pretty faces.
“It’s raining outside” Kiara came from behind me.
“Cool, at last the rain gods are happy”
“But now we will have to wait and it’s already 7:25. So I called dad over here. I don’t want to get wet while going home.” She handed back my cell to me. So her dad is coming over here to take her.
“When have you called him?”
“20 minutes from now, I think we will be finished by then.”
“Finished?” I was surprised, I haven’t even proposed her or made a move and she is already thinking of finishing it.
“I mean that your party will be over by 7.45” she said. That’s O.K. with me but I think she called her father a bit early, but then when have parents come at the right time. It has never happened with my father, let’s see if a girl’s father is on time or not.
"You know what, I didn't study anything for the examination" I told her, and it was totally true because the whole day I was busy staring at the orkut profiles of girls.
"Same here, I was playing with my small brother for the whole day and when the coaching time came, only then did I remember that we had an examination today!"
“Ordered!” Anton announced his comeback.
“And other than the pizza, I also ordered a chowmein for us.” he added.
“Oh so you are not that poor.” I responded. I just so liked to annoy him. Kiara started staring at me. Now what? it was a joke, I didn't really mean to call him poor, it just meant that he could have been a little creative with choice of the second dish. I would never dish out money on a dish like that in an expensive eatery when I can get it for a quarter of the price just outside my place.
Now her stare, I have been a subject to this stare once before also. Once during our regular coaching classes, I mustered up enough courage and wrote, ' You look stunning today ' on my near empty copy, and I showed it to her, she gave me the same eye-brow raised dirty look. I hated it, I am not really like other guys who like to see their interests angry. What do they say "You look really beautiful when you are angry". What the.... Girls look totally shit with their face screwed up with unneedable anger but then guys have mastered of finding at least something positively interesting in their girl's moods and modes. Anton liked the hate stare, so he also put up an attitude and sat. Other times Anton would have cursed me and laughed away my comment, but this time he was acting as the bad dog and impressing upon Kiara that only he was the clean-no-insult guy here. I hated him.


P.S. The above incident/accident/date took place during mid-summer of 2007, we were all 10th standard guys. Kiara is no more my crush, and I am really fortunate to have close friends like Anton and Kiara. I respect both of them a lot. Hey guys, I won't compromise your identity, but if you want some publicity then you can confess it in my comments. Thanks a lot for being a part of my life. I miss you both too much...