Distance between the smiles...

Train will reach at 8, coach no. - A1, don’t wave when u see me, dad may be standing along with me. Don’t reply, will meet there only.

I punched and sent the message to her just as mom came to my seat to check out my way of killing time on a cell phone.

“Playing snakes son?”

“Yep” I avoid giving long answers and responses to mom when I am doing the forbidden things. She always manages to catch my hesitance and gets suspicious.

Rick, my friend and the only teen holidaying with me came to sit in front of me. A smile was plastered on his face making him look more chubby than normal. I had told him that I was going to meet this old friend and ex-crush of mine who went to another city two years back. It was a faraway place and it was the first time that the train I was traveling in was going to intercept the city.

With the excitement, I was nervous also. It had been two years and I wanted to make a good impression on her after such a long time, or maybe the ending of the draught of not seeing her got me nervous. Nevertheless I stood up and excused myself from my group for a piss. As soon as I came near the vestibule of the train, I ran to the mirror and basin of the other boggie. I fixed my face, ruffled up my sitting hair, and threw water in my eyes till it hurt. Then I carefully wiped my face with my handkerchief, and put my hair in the sleeping posture, so that my parents won’t get any ideas of why I cared to fresh my face at night, when I declined the offer of a shower in the morning.

Coming back to the seat, I checked my watch. Half an hour to go. I started the preparations, I asked my mother for the digicam and gave it to Rick so that he could be an excuse to keep till my concerned station comes. I looked down at myself just to find that the two days in the train have wrinkled my clothes like waves on the sea, I pressed the clothes with my hand to make them look ironed but in vain. I didn’t try further because maybe I didn’t want to give her ideas that I overdid my appearance. Maybe I didn’t want her to know that I had been thinking about the meet all the time, it would be uncool of me to show my anxiety. I decided to look normal because somewhere I had read that you are at your best when you act natural.

I sat near the window and whenever a station would come, I would press my nose against the glass just to make out the name of the station. This resulted in the reddening of my nose after seven stations passed.

“Seems like a big city” announced my uncle forty minutes after my face wash. I went on the alert mode.

“It is xyz (my concerned station)” replied Rick with his eyes fixed towards me. Of course he was waiting for my reactions. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of my nervousness. I casually went towards him and took the digicam from him, and said, “C’mon lets get a fresh breath out there on the station.”

“And we need the digicam for breathing, right?” he said under his breath as I opened the heavy door of the boggie.

“Kind of yes, her looks will take your breath away.” I replied with an annoyed grunt.

I put both the hands on the handlebars and with the train slowing down, and the wind ripping my face my hair were set into the old wild mode. I stood there having the whole doorway to myself, feeling like some mythical hero.

And then the platform materialized, and the nervousness crept up my body. I felt light. A very bumpy happiness which was accompanied by butterflies gripped my stomach. My past with her started playing in front of me in a series of blurring slides. The talks, the walks, the gawks (by me), the messages on the pieces of paper, the weathered leaves thrown on each other, the smiles which didn’t really say anything, the cruel jokes on our batch-mates in the coaching, the sarcastic agrees to an ignorant and arrogant world. She completed me, touching my heart and soothing me as a confused teenager. I then realized how much I missed her for all this time. We never met when she went away, I regret it till this moment. I never really told her about how much I wanted her, never told her that she was one person whom I always expected to see the right side of my choices in life, the only one who would agree with me with an infectious laugh. How I silently admired her, the way she laughed, the kiddish joy in her eyes which always held me like a statue in a brief linger. The jerk of the stopping train put me back into my consciousness

I absorbed the platform while clearing my eyes for some clear view, I was aware of Rick breathing just behind me, waiting for me to make a move. I guess he was more interested in proving that the girl won’t come to meet me at the junction. I held my position at the door and also kept blocking it, feeling that someone else would steal her if I will let the people go. Fortunately there weren’t any passengers who had to get off this junction. I scanned the sparse crowd which was in front of me on the platform, and there she was standing in the familiar way with one foot always extended to the maximum in the side direction. She turned into quiet a girl, the spectacles were much more smarter now, the dressing sense still the same and one you would fall in love with. She wore a brown long tee shirt with a black undershirt which complimented each other’s existence on her skin, a dark blue denim trouser which hugged her legs like I always wanted, and as usual she had folded it into a 3/4^th. I tilted my head to one side and stared at her for a few moments, trying to appreciate and absorb her and her existence. She was smiling at me and maybe from the moment my coach came in front of her. I noticed it just then, I gave her back a tired, but a very fulfilling smile. I wanted to run and hug her, and tell her how much it meant for me that she came to meet me. Her smiled widened as she acknowledged me fully, and I jumped off the door on the platform.

“Nick, there you are”, my dad gave the certificate of his existence on that train from behind me, and I cursed my luck. The worst thing to happen in such a situation.

“Just clicking some pictures, dad.”

“Anything special in this junction?” he asked in his usual carefree tone, how much time will he stand here with me. And how much time do I really have until the train starts again. Now that dad was here, I couldn’t even stare at her. I took out the camera out of the pouch and focused it towards her pretending to capture the distant building out of the railway station.

And through the lens, I looked at her. The expression on her face told me that she understood my situation and the circumstance but was somehow upset. I didn’t blame her. She was still smiling though, it was the same old eyes and the same old thick eyebrows, but wait something familiar was missing. I tried to figure out. Oh! Her braces were no longer there, of course I knew that she got rid of them a lot of time back, but still I had never imagined her without them for all these two years. Funny, she looked much better without them, but I guess I was in love with the girl with the braces. I put off the lens and saw straight towards her and nodded to her without any reason, maybe I found it the best thing to do at that moment.

“Here take a picture of me and Rick” as my dad posed along with Rick, I was happy for the distraction, maybe I was too nervous to be staring towards her direction for a lot of time. The picture was nice, my dad’s face glowing as always and Rick the same old smart guy. I wondered how I was looking at that moment, I didn’t want to leave a bad impression on her. It will be a long time we will meet again or maybe never at all. Maybe never at all, it hit me on my drowsy head with a sharp pain. Never at all. I turned towards her, my face turned sad. I felt like I never wanted her to come, to meet me, to give me new memories. I guess I was pretty happy being nostalgic about her with my loneliness, pretty happy dreaming about all the times we spent, and pretty happy thinking about her. But now I will miss her more, regretting leaving her again. She left my life once when she went away and even if this was just a ten minute brushing of each other, I will always be reminded of her standing there on the platform for me and I couldn’t even hug her.

The whistle of the train announced the ending of the trip of the city.

“You two, get up here fast.” Ordered my dad as he went into the boggy. I stepped up and took my position on the door with my hands on the handlebar, which had become accustomed to my flesh for the past half an hour.

She was looking at me and shaking her head as in regretting something. I blinked at her and mouthed thank you. I was happy that she came, I was sad that she came. I took a deep breath and released it, like the life she took out of me during this meet.

The train started moving. There were no waves, just self assumed smiles.

She kept standing there leaving me stranded on the moving train.

10 months and 10 days - kota and bases...

So atlast I tore away from my busy schedule which doesn't really includes studying, and I wrote this post. One year back, during these days only I used to dream(before sleeping) of coming to kota, of living on my own, and the excitement of one's own responsibility. I did come to kota, and I did live those dreams. But now I am going, a more than a bit early than I should have. I came here to fulfill a job, and that was to get into an IIT. I am leaving the job half finished, maybe it will be best for me leave it like that...

This post is dedicated to kota. complete notes, go to doubt classes, discussion with friends, go to the mess, prepare the breakfast, set the alarm, switch off the light before sleeping, study without reminders, buy all the required things... It teaches you a lot, hate it or love it you can't do without it. And I did both, hated and loved it at different times. After all these months, it still seems like I entered kota a week ago only. You can easily lose yourself in the 20000 students studyin here. We had exams every five weeks, and the gap between never seemed like five weeks. Days used to go by like hours, even if the routine was the same I never for a moment felt bored. I enjoyed it, I loved the freedom. I loved the non-interference in my life by parents. Yeah it is true that students of my age should be under a leash or we can go wayward, but uncensored freedom changes your attitude towards life a lot. You are never doing things for others, but for yourself. Be responsible for yourself, remain away from temptations of smoking, drinking and things. It is a big world and a mean world at that.

You are alone here, there are not many real friends you can make, but the ones you make are the best you can ever have. So most of us are alone here in our conquest for the ultimate prize. During the journey you get disappointed a lot of times, mainly when your batches drop because of scarcity of marks or when you suddenly feel helpless. I had this incident in which I was feeling like puking, but I was alone in my room and I felt like I was going to die and wanted to call my mom one last time. I didn't die of course. Kota teaches you disappointment in large quantities, it will throw you in various directions, let you have multiple moods. You have to be a fighter to come back from the disappointment. You feel like a worthless loser most of the times. You promise yourself everyday that you will do wonders the next day, but it is not to be so. You can easily watch your destruction or construction(in whatever way you see it), but the dusty town never spares you.

Most of us act as emotionally disattached students when walking on the road, but in fact we have got all the emotions bubbling and burning in our heart. I made very few friends here in kota, and maybe two or three can be called the real ones. But the one I will never forget was the one I met only a dozen times. The times we both had, walking around the circumference of our colony, discussing many things about ourselves and life. He is one year senior to me and in a short time I was attached to him, maybe because of all the lonliness and emptiness with which kota filled me or I was awed by him. Together we abused many things, insulted each other in subtle ways, but never crossing a peculiar line. We were never really personal, but I learnt one thing, that I can discuss my faults and feelings without really getting personal. Let me call him base(as his playing name is acid). Acid taught me a lot of things, acted as an elder brother. Even if I never had an elder brother or sister, noone till now tried or managed to play that part. Everyone treated me as an equal, but acid suceeded in being an elder brother as well as an equal. Hats off to you buddy. He had his life and maybe he doesn't really likes to respect it, but I did. He had his desires and dreams which he curbed and I respect him for that. And that line of his, "It seems like I bunked two years from my life here" does tell a lot, it shows the humour and pain maybe... A warmth and a real friend, I will miss it all till I die, but then I am going away to meet him again sometime somewhere. I miss this guy, he changed me...

Coming back from emotions

I tore away from my innocent school and came to kota. Kota is not an innocent child, it is an honest adult. It rewards those who are gifted, either with brains or with resilience. It ditches those who think from their heart anad maybe I was one... Till 10th I wanted to do IIT because it was the right thing to do, but not really the thing which I wanted. But the mean consumption of my so-called-right-thing taught me to follow dreams. You can never live without a dream and you can never really live without doing it. It happened with me, maybe it will be correct for me to rectify my mistake and give my dream my chance. I maybe a failure here, but I can be a winner because of the failure. I should hate kota for wasting my year, but I don't. I love it, I love it for its homely insecurity, its uncertainty, its stranger like character... and I love it for teaching me that you can never be happy with what you don't really want. I don't regret coming here and I never will, and maybe all of us should spend a year like this in our lives. I came as a stranger here and I go back as a stranger.

Even after one month of making my decision of going back, I still bite my pillow and throw away a few tears against going back. I will miss it, I don't know how I will survive without kota. But then I survived in kota itself, it gave me enough strength to survive anywhere else... I will survive to come back here and survive for my infinite dreams and desires. It will be exactly 10 months and 10 days when I will leave day after tommorrow. A perfect 10 for kota, and perfect 10 for me to take this decision.

For my friends here,
You are alone here fighting for survival and fighting for your lives...
May you find your lives rather than win...
I am going back...
Maybe I will come back...

My First half Date - NEARLY COMPLETE

Nothing is sweeter in a coaching class other than defeating a genius who is an egoist and your best friend by 2 marks in a trigonometry test. And that sweetness is multiplied by infinity when it is in front of a girl you have a crush on.
Now I have this friend Anton who is a total genius, studies damn well. We have another guy with us, Kevin, a crybaby unlike what his name suggests. And then me and a girl. Together we make 4 in the coaching. Wait... yes four only.
"How much did you get" asked our cowboy-type-dressed-up coach
"18" mumbled Kevin.
"You"
"28" said Anton looking up from his answer sheet for the first time in the last 40 minutes. I punched my desk and mumbled "yes" to myself.
"You"
"24" said my partner( only in the coaching).
"and you" asked my coach with a sneer. He had that satisfaction that I must have scored in the negative because I was the most inattentive and talkative of the lot.
"30, sir" said I with a satisfaction which my coach had a moment ago. Anton was staring at me. He must be thinking "Boy how did he get that" But then I have scored the highest in the first test of our all new coaching.
"You all can go now. Tommorrow at 6." With that our coach dismissed us from the class without congratulating me.

"Congrats Leo" Kiara congratulated me as we stepped out of the room.
"Thanks, the paper was relatively easy. Where did you do a mistake?" I asked her as I faced her, now i can stare at her pretty face without that nosy coach asking me to shut up or to concentrate on my note-less copy. You see due to the 40 minute examination, he let us go 20 minutes earlier. Now the only thing that I pray for is the late coming of his dad to the coaching. I want some time with her.
"That cos 37 degree question, I have never seen the likes of fancy unit digits in a degree till now, so i didn't know the value of it." she answered in a gruff tone. I think it's a bad idea to ask a girl her mistakes after an examination.
"Oh that, it was relatively easy, pure logic you know. I also didn't know it's value but it was getting cancelled here." I opened the question paper and showed it to her, she pretended to look but I knew that she wasn't interested. So it's a much more bad idea to show a girl the correct answer for her mistake.
Anton and Kevin brushed passed me in a great hurry. I was just going to call out for Anton when i saw that Kevin was weeping.
"What's this, is he crying." she asked me in a hushed tone.
"Yeah, must be. I have seen him crying in the class because he couldn't complete his notes in the prescribed time, and i was laughing because I submitted my last year's notes to escape punishment, so the least marks in the coaching must a really heart breaking blow to him." I told her.
"Hey Leo, I think we should call kevin when he reaches home, he is too upset to be left alone." Anton said in a near dead tone.
"Leave it, he just pretends." matter over, Anton won't say anything more to me because he knows that I despise that Kevin and it won't be any use. Now I was waiting for Anton's dad so that only me Kiara are left and I could take her out to eat something. Well I wasn't exactly hungry but yeah when you eat with a girl you keep eating a variety of things because that's the only time when you keep an eye for the number of courses. We have to impress the girl na.
Time was running out, his dad wasn't going to come early. So with a heavy heart I gave in and decided to take out Anton along with her.
"Listen guy and girl, now that the crybaby has gone, I am giving you a party." I asked them instead of really pleading them.
"Good idea, let's go to the Ruckus it's the nearest pizzeria." Anton stated the spot like he was going to pay the bills. We both looked towards her.
"OK" wow why is she so straight, I mean c'mon no other response but at least she has agreed to come.
"So how will we go." asked Anton, now this guy is always obsessed with bad facts. I come on my cycle, Anton's dad drops and picks him, and Kiara comes on her scooty. So that's a problem there. Who two will be on the scooty of the three? Well that was kind of a jackpot question then. But as a very tender and a resigning soul I am, I gave my best friend the signal.
"You two go there, I will catch you both there" said I. Anton gave me such a look like he has just won the Champions League cup and not believing it. After 30 seconds he managed to get something out of his throat.
"Hey Kiara can I drive the scooty upto the pizzeria if you don't mind" he asked in a very sweet voice though he doesn't have one.
"Yeah of course, if you won't drop me during the journey." she said. Wow!!! No hesitation, no half denials and no problems. I peered into her pearl – black eyes half expecting to find love for my best friend in them. But all I got was a blank stare towards the trunk of a tree besides the empty road.
“See you there in three minutes” Anton raced away with my girl behind him, if you call 30 kmph racing away.

Histronomics – Kiara lives in Anton’s apartment. And Anton had a crush on her from the moment he set his eyes upon her (around 4th standard). And I met Kiara only through him. I am nursing a liking for her from the day I met her. But the teen friendship law says that she is his girl and I am not supposed to woo her.

I took my bike (motor-less in fact, I won’t call it a cycle due my ego) from under the overgrowth of branches grown by our coach. I seated myself on the bike with the efficiency of a hero. With thoughts of Kiara in my mind, I started my short journey.

A boy always savours the air which blows across his face during a bike ride, tries to feel it in his hair (even if they are too short). As I overtook a crawling bus, I realized that this will be the first time I will eat-out with a girl. Sad that I will have to share her company with Anton. A lot of new things happen with you, once you land in 10th standard. A board year always brings pressure and also maturity and the most important thing; courage. So the courage rode me on. I chanced upon to see plants grown on the divider of the road and instead of the usual appreciation of the only thing done by the city corporation I remembered flowers. Oh shit! Why didn’t I think of them, but it was too late now.

I would have presented the bunch of flowers to her in front of the whole restaurant. She would have blushed and said, "Thank you Leo, I never thought you love me so much”

Con-science – Why are you breaking her trust, she considers you only as a great friend.

I reached the pizzeria and parked my motor-less bike along with the other motor bikes. It must look funny that an iron rod assembled thing with pedals is surrounded by heavy metal demons. I looked for my friends but they still weren’t there.
“Hey Leo”
I turned left to see Anton coming towards me. But there was no girl besides him.
“Where is Kiara?”
“She is parking the vehicle”
“I thought you drove the scooty”
“Yeah I did, but as the parking needed a more experienced person, I let her do it.”
“Oh, that is so lame of you” and I laughed at his timid ness. He seems a master of foolishness. No dignity.
“Shut up and by the way, I was mightily surprised when you didn’t stop me from riding that vehicle with her behind.”
“I never thought about it” It never really struck me before that but now I was thinking. Oh man! He took her with him. They were placed on the same vehicle, she must have placed her arms round him during the journey. He must have tried some tricks during the ride. Aarrghh, I can’t think of it anymore. How did I let this mistake happen? Shit, shit, shit, shit.
“She didn’t have a problem with you riding it.” I said after a gap of three minutes, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction that I was jealous.
“Hey guys, what are you waiting for, let’s go inside.” Kiara was back.
“Waiting for your heavenly presence” I replied as I pushed the glass door.
“Whatever” why is she so dismissive of most of the sweet things I say to her. Is that the way most of the girls react? I just want her to be in good humour so that she enjoys and remembers the time we will spend forever.
“All the corners are occupied, let’s take the middle one” I pointed out a table for four which was in front of the serving counter. Both of them nodded.
“So who is going to have a look at the menu” asked Anton after we settled down. Who cares for the food? I just want to stare at her face. But then I realized something.
“Hey Kiara, I think you should inform your parents that you are here and will come a bit late” I didn’t want any trouble from her parents. They needn’t think that t8eir daughter is abducted or something.
“Yeah I think I should”
“Here take my cell” I offered her my cell phone. She didn’t bring one. She hated them.
“I’ll be back in a minute” she went towards the entrance with my cell in her right hand.
“What are you going to order?” Anton asked as soon as she got out of sight.
“I have just enough money for buying a six piece large pizza”
“O.K.”
“You take the money and order at the counter”
“O.K., give me the money”. I handed him the whole of the bills that were in my wallet, but just enough for a large pizza. It left me broke. Sitting alone I started tapping on the table and peered over the males to find young pretty faces.
“It’s raining outside” Kiara came from behind me.
“Cool, at last the rain gods are happy”
“But now we will have to wait and it’s already 7:25. So I called dad over here. I don’t want to get wet while going home.” She handed back my cell to me. So her dad is coming over here to take her.
“When have you called him?”
“20 minutes from now, I think we will be finished by then.”
“Finished?” I was surprised, I haven’t even proposed her or made a move and she is already thinking of finishing it.
“I mean that your party will be over by 7.45” she said. That’s O.K. with me but I think she called her father a bit early, but then when have parents come at the right time. It has never happened with my father, let’s see if a girl’s father is on time or not.
"You know what, I didn't study anything for the examination" I told her, and it was totally true because the whole day I was busy staring at the orkut profiles of girls.
"Same here, I was playing with my small brother for the whole day and when the coaching time came, only then did I remember that we had an examination today!"
“Ordered!” Anton announced his comeback.
“And other than the pizza, I also ordered a chowmein for us.” he added.
“Oh so you are not that poor.” I responded. I just so liked to annoy him. Kiara started staring at me. Now what? it was a joke, I didn't really mean to call him poor, it just meant that he could have been a little creative with choice of the second dish. I would never dish out money on a dish like that in an expensive eatery when I can get it for a quarter of the price just outside my place.
Now her stare, I have been a subject to this stare once before also. Once during our regular coaching classes, I mustered up enough courage and wrote, ' You look stunning today ' on my near empty copy, and I showed it to her, she gave me the same eye-brow raised dirty look. I hated it, I am not really like other guys who like to see their interests angry. What do they say "You look really beautiful when you are angry". What the.... Girls look totally shit with their face screwed up with unneedable anger but then guys have mastered of finding at least something positively interesting in their girl's moods and modes. Anton liked the hate stare, so he also put up an attitude and sat. Other times Anton would have cursed me and laughed away my comment, but this time he was acting as the bad dog and impressing upon Kiara that only he was the clean-no-insult guy here. I hated him.


P.S. The above incident/accident/date took place during mid-summer of 2007, we were all 10th standard guys. Kiara is no more my crush, and I am really fortunate to have close friends like Anton and Kiara. I respect both of them a lot. Hey guys, I won't compromise your identity, but if you want some publicity then you can confess it in my comments. Thanks a lot for being a part of my life. I miss you both too much...