Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Happy Birthday to mE

It is 11:47 pm of 29th January, and i have switched my cell phone to the vibratory mode, you see tomorrow is my birthday. I have switched my cell to the vibratory mode because i am expecting messages from many people, and i don't want my mum to hear the cell screaming again and again. Not that i don't want to disturb her, but just that i don't want her to come to my room to check out the noise and read my messages (you see i will get messages from many uncensored people).
11:51. My dear friend Arpit just called me to wish me a very happy birthday. I asked him that why he called me 9 minutes earlier, he said his watch is showing 12 of 30th morning. But atleast he called (i was happy for that).
I have been looking forward to the birthday from the evening only, because a female friend of mine asked me my cell number, and she said that she would message me exactly at midnight. So i am just waiting for her message, i planned that i would tell her that she is the first one to wish me, but Arpit's watch destroyed it. Still i will message her something sweet. I think it will be my best birthday because first time a girl will wish me and that also at midnight (atleast it is special for me). And most of my friends now own their own cell phones, so they will also message me, and of course my cousin sister whom i love so much will message me. It is the wishes i love to have, not the gifts. So it will be the special birthday for me. The wishes creates a sense that they remember you.
11:59. I am feeling very elated, but i hope the girl wishes me first.
12:00. Yo 30th January is back after a year. But this will be a special birthday for me. I am waiting for messages. I think they are mid-way in the air.
12:02. No messages till now, i think the strong wind has diverted their path for some time. I will wait.
12:05. No message. Damn it, everyone forgot my birthday, even that girl. Hope she didn't make a fool of me. My dear cousin sister also forgot me and the ultimate, my dear best friends have also forgotten my birthday. But still with a mighty heart i am waiting with my cell in my hand and listening to Linkin Park.
12:17. Her mobile must have gone out of charging. My cousin isn't getting the time, she must be studying hard for her medical year and my dear friends must have slept early after a long hard day in their study room.

Time is now going on. The special moment of my birthday gone with me alone in this room. She didn't message me and they didn't call me either. God please, the next time i meet her please make her speak such an excuse that i would believe her without any second thought. And as to my friends, i am deeply disappointed, for i always remember their birthdays and wish them at midnight. That means i am mad that i always take care in wishing them. I don't want to pass any judgement on my friends only on this wishing case, but still from now i will take less care in remembering their birthdays. I think i am very disappointed because i believed that they would absolutely message me, and not for a moment i thought that the girl would falter in messaging. Failures in absolute expectations do hurt a lot.
Still i will say
Happy Birthday to me and god bless me...

Friday, January 25, 2008

Will I ???

I watch the waves
listening people's raves
wondering if i will ever
be something called clever
or something tough
and eat my own puff
will i ever get a job
or just get lost in the mob
but i don't want to live
just to eat and give
still the world will take me
with the waves seriously
and i will be like a tree
depended on the world for serosity
thinking people don't survive here
they are called a stupid mare
but what if i don't succeed
in the studying try
and beg for my need
god doesn't gives everyone the same brain
so why do all go to the same drain
why don't we try
something new
why are we so dry
and always in the queue
let's take a novel path
and open our hearts
and take a holy bath
instead of one make individual starts
change the stinking world
and don't allow our mind
to be whirled
and don't get bind
but will i ever be
able to follow
this lecture let's see
cos' inside i am really hollow
hope i wont lose
and do the same
go for the stinking job and try
Will I ???

Good Night

I am watching the moon being shadowed with my life...

I took out my blanket and in this January cold, covered myself with it. No matter what the weather is, I always switch on the fan. Don't know but the voice of the fan rotating gives me a sense of security. As soon I switch on the fan, I run to my bed and jump into my blanket and cover myself wholly with the blanket, so that the air should not be able to touch me. Lying on the bed I think how I am wasting my mum and dad's money on my worthless books (you see I don't read them) and I feel guilty how I wasted the whole thinking about crap. Damn, it's a bad feeling to think about the time I wasted the whole day.
Sleeping gives me hope, a hope which I tie to myself when I go to sleep. A hope that I will do good tommorrow. That I will be a changed person the next morning. Of course sleeping gives you a false sense of security and you also know that. But for people like me who have nothing except a beautiful and cursed sleep, it's a boon.
After my dreams comes the creeping sounds of the refrigirators, pages ruffling due to the force applied by the fan. I am mostly terrified due to these spooky sounds. I always check if there is a thief in the house even when I know that there's noone.
Next I try to clear the guilt from my mind, but who has ever succeeded in doing that. I tell my brain that sleeping is the most tension-free and the most tension-full time of the day, so try to go away from the damn tension. So with the guilt I reflect on the happy parts of my life, like thinking about the girl I love the most or something similar to that. It's a pleasure to think about it, my brain's elation it is. I just love that feeling. I start concentrating on the dark ceiling, not that I can see it but the position of my head is always at ninety degrees. Watching the dark room, I turn from one side to another very uneasily. But never able to get set on one position, still loving that elation and that moment.
But as I start enjoying that feeling, tiredness creeps over me and envelops me into sleep. A sleep which is broken by my mum every damned morning.
Good Night...

Sleeping time is the only owned time of a loser...

i will hAunt yOu

I will haunt you till my death
you will not be able to take a single breath
sleep is what you will never get again
this i am assuring you even in this damned pain
i still have the dagger
with which you hit me
still remember the manner
with which you hated me
life will be long for you
and you know you will be killed by who
you never deserved to be loved
because you are a doll full hate stuffed
see me in your dreams
and wake up in damned screams
you killed my crying heart
and ripped my soul apart
i still hear your damned swears
and forgetting my living cheers
i left everything for you
never thought you will do this too
dying to live to remember you
not in a good way
but just
you know what
I will haunt yOu...

cRam it Like nO oNe

This poem was written by me when my mother started her traditional "OK, now start studying" lecture. The poem fetched me an award in Avant Garde Awards .

Yeah yeah mum learning
the pages are turning
I am sitting here alone
waiting for my clone
Why do i have to learn
when i want to live the real world
and let my brain burn
when i am in a fix and curled
I know learning will bring me bucks
but a slave's life sucks
I wanna observe the sky
and ask myself why
do i have to learn
just to make my life turn
You cram, work and die
become mad, rich and mud
never understood why life is so sly
You never ever wonder
why's life a blunder
God must be in a real thunder
who sent you here to cram under
You think you are cool
cos' you cram like a fool
but the real coolness is in thinking
not just turning the pages and blinking
But i will never be like you
and make my mind like poo
So mum just listen
and come out of the kitchen
that now i will listen to my heart
and not learn just to pull a cart
I want to discover life new
and become one of the few
who dared to be distinctive
and learnt to live their instinctive
I want everything to make my own perspective
and never listen to the others respective
But mum if you still want a crammer
I am sorry and i put the hammer
that you give birth to a new one
who could cram it like no one.

nEw yEar eVe

Sitting here in my room, I am writing another post for my beloved blog. According to my watch the current time is 9:57, and the date is 31st december 2007. So 2008 is about to come. Today was nothing special as I again ignored my studies for the pre-boards from the morning. At 8:30 in the night my relatives called up my parents so that they together celebrate the new year. My parents went there, you see I refused to go. I love to remain alone in the house at such moments.
I switched on the television, many news channels were showing the celebrations in different parts of the country, people dancing in goa, animals singing in Assam :) and other news channels were showing the recap of this another worthless year. Getting bored of the television, I switched on my PC.
Really I was feeling sad, I don't know but this was a very bad and a very good year for me. Sitting alone in this room, I am feeling very hmm... you can say empty. Very empty. I am missing someone badly. 2007 was very remarkable for me. I betrayed my friends big time and got forgiven from them big time. This year I found that I can also write something. I loved my life for being so ugly and hated it to be so lovely, it's funny but I like the opposites. In studies, I lost a damn lot of acceleration. Gathered too much of experience in life. Even if I didn't study well, I lived my life to the fullest. Got in love, got out of it (that's the bad part). Learnt that everyone is not fair in this world. To say in short it was like a tear from the eye which didn't follow the laws of gravity (and fell to the ground) but like a tear which floated in the air. I lost and gained, that's life, you have to face it.
Sitting I am reflecting how valuable this year, how cute this year. How much I will love this, how will it go to my memory.
My dad just called me, I have to go to my relative's house to celebrate the coming of another new year, to get bored by their talks about my boardz.
Happy New Year again...