Forgive Myself

From the last 7 years in this prison, I have been wondering that why don't cells have transparent walls. Not that I want the world to watch me, but instead I want to watch the world and feel it's love in my soul. Noone ever loved me, I think that's because I am too good to be loved or because I love others so much that they don't feel the need to give it back to me. You see we only love people when we feel that they won't pay attention to us unless loved by us and if someone pays attention to us without our love then we take that person for granted. In this cell number 12 I have spent 7 years of my life and I think I am going to spend the rest of my life here only. You see I am granted a life sentence for killing my best friend Jon.

I remember the day I got my first assignment success in my newly joined Multinational. I was feeling very elated and I wanted to gift my wife a necklace on the occasion. My boss gave an early leave that day. I went to Sotter's Jewellary shop and bought an expensive necklace for my wife, Kelly. I threw away the price tag because Kelly doesn't likes to spend so much money on such things. She is my queen, she is. I just can't spend more than a day without seeing her. I took the necklace and hurried off to home.
As soon I turned in our street, I saw Jon's bike parked in my garage. Now I was overjoyed, I would give my success news not only to my wife but also to my best friend. How happy he will become, I know that. He will punch me on my back and pointing towards his heart he will say,"You are right there"
I parked my car. I was going to ring the bell to my house when I remembered that I had left the back door in the morning. I wanted to surprise Kelly, so I turned towards the back of the house. On reaching the back door, it was still open. I pushed it gently so that Kelly won't hear me coming.
I was just gulping up happiness on imagining the good reaction of my best friend and my wife. The best news of my adult life till now will be shared with the most loved people of my life.
I reached the living room but there was noone in there. I heard some noise coming from my bedroom. The door to my room was closed. I pushed it open and the scene which I saw is the one I never wanted to remember but still whenever I go to sleep I see it. It's like a negative of a black and white photograph embedded in my brain.
My best friend was sleeping with my wife on my favourite sheet and in my favourite blanket. Just in front of me were Kelly's clothes spread on the floor. And she was there in my best friend's arms.
"Dave" she barely managed to say as she saw me. She was shocked to see me.
"What?" Jon said as he released Kelly from his arms.
"I got this for you Kelly" I kept the necklace box on her clothes on the floor.
My best friend turned to face me, you see he was faced towards Kelly. As he saw me he opened his mouth and then closed it. I think he didn't have anything to say.
"Listen Dave, please don't do someth..." I didn't allow Kelly to complete her sentence as I closed the door. It was the first time in my life that I didn't let her complete her sentence. She thought I would do something insane.
"I won't do anything" I shouted as I collapsed on my sofa. I choked as I tried to drink the glass of water kept on the table in front of me. I wasn't able to swallow what I saw. I wanted to run away, I didn't want to shoot or beat or kill any one of them. But I just wanted to run away. Somewhere far away.
I think I was just crying when I heard the back door getting closed, I turned and saw Kelly back in her clothes. She sat in front of me.
"Dave." she said softly, she was sobbing.
"I just want to ask one thing, did I love you less" I asked her, still without an eye-contact with her.
"I am terribly sorry, and you never loved me less. I was just no..." I cut her sentence second time in my life.
"Ok, don't say anything more." I stood up and went to my study.
I sat on my father's rocking chair. I thought, I thought and I thought. Instead of feeling enraged or anything, I found that it was my mistake. I never gave Kelly any time in which we would talk. I always talked about my work and my office. She must really be feeling lonely and as an adult she must be looking for love. She has got her own needs. I didn't give her time. But something inside told me that it was her mistake, but still I brushed off the thought. I loved her and I had invested so much of my heart in her that I won't be able to live without her. She was just another part of my heart and a whole of my soul.
As for my best friend Jon, he is unmarried and must have slept with my wife only due to his irresistible lust. He is smart and gives attention to Kelly, Kelly must be automatically attracted to him. It's my mistake, if I can't give love to Kelly, I shouldn't expect loyalty from her. I won't forgive her because there is nothing to forgive about and as for my best friend, I don't know. If he will talk, I will also talk to him.
And that night I promised myself that from now on, I would love my wife very much and tend to her every need. And I would never again talk about the night.
I forgave myself for my shortcomings and that day was marked in my life for I forgave myself.
In the days that came, we didn't talk much. I tried to be as normal to her as possible. But she was quite, never really responding to me. She was that same homely wife. I also took leaves to drive her around the country-side. I knew that she always loved the country-side views. But she was never really there. I think she was too guilty of what she had done. Our relationship was not the way it was before, she was extra careful in not offending me. Her humour was gone, but I didn't want her to be like that. I wanted the college Kelly back, the Kelly whom I kissed on the lips in front of our school sweeper (We didn't know he was sweeping in the same empty classroom).
"Forget about it Kelly, just be yourself. See I have forgotten it. I met Jon today, we had coffee in the office cafeteria." I told her one day. I was lying about meeting Jon, but I would never mind a coffee with my best friend. But in reality I didn't see Jon again after that evening.
"Oh, I am sorry Dave for that. I am really sorry and yeah I am getting back to my normal self. Good you met Jon." she said in her familiar soft voice.
"And did you like the necklace I gave you?"
"Yeah it was very pretty."
"So, why haven't worn it till now."
"You gifted me on the saddest day of my life and I will wear on the happiest day of my life" she said as she stood up to go to the kitchen.

Four years went by and we were going along happily.
Then one Thursday night, when I came back to my home, I again saw Jon's bike parked in the same spot where it was parked four years ago. I was outraged at first but without making any preconceptions, I ran upto the door of my house. It was open and I entered.
As I entered the house, I heard noises from my room. Now memories were pouring back. But wait someone was weeping in the room, these weren't noises but someone was really weeping.
This time the door was open unlike the last time four years ago. I entered the room and again I saw a scene which I won't forget for the rest of my life. Kelly was sitting at the corner of the room with my gun besides her. And Jon was lying just in front of me. He was dead, and I could see that there were two shots in his chest. I felt pity for my best friend. There was blood across the room floor. It was his blood. Tears flowed on my face, I loved him very much. And in my mind I told him "You are right there Jon."
"He tried to k..." Kelly didn't finish the sentence, she was crying very hard.
"Listen, go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water." I didn't want to hear the reason, I just didn't want to hate anyone of them.
"Dave, he..." I cut her sentence the third time in my life.
"I don't want to hear the reason. I will do what I can." I didn't want to understand the situation, I just wanted to save my wife, my pretty wife.
I heard the police sirens after five minutes. I turned towards Kelly.
"I was afraid and in that I called the police." she said. Now this was turning a hell for me. Everything was black in my mind.
The police entered the house and sealed it.
We were standing in our garage surrounded by the police personnel. After two hours we were called inside the house.
"What happened here?" the strong burly officer asked us.
"Jon came t..." I cut Kelly's sentence for the fourth and the last time in my life.
"I killed him." I told the officer. I didn't see Kelly's face. They arrested me.
After four days my hearing took place. I confessed the charges of committing the crime, and that day Dave Weller was handed a life sentence for killing his best friend. After the judgement, I was taken out of the court and there I saw Kelly coming out of the court crowd. I wanted to see her and gulp her the last time under the sun. I loved her very much. As I watched her beautiful face, I saw something shining on her neck. She was wearing the necklace I gifted her the day I saw her having coitus with my best friend.
I still wonder about the things that happened on those two bed-room days. Funny how my adult life was defined by my bedroom floor and my bedroom sheet. Kelly never came to visit me in my cell number 12. I lost the two persons I loved the most and I think those two people lost the person they hated the most.
In the seven years I never cried, I just thought and waited for a woman called Kelly. There was nothing to regret in my life, just emptiness. I always lost in life, always. I stare at the ceiling and think what wrong I had done to Kelly that she never came.
I think I never gave them the chance to explain me the things that were happening. Why did I always think for them. Why? I don't know if they betrayed me or not, but I know that I was betrayed by my brain, by my instincts. You still wondering why I always used 'best friend' instead of saying Jon, because for me he was never the same honest Jon when he slept with my wife, he just remained my best friend. The title 'best friend' which I gave to him, sleeping with other's wife became my best friend's characteristic but not my Jon's characteristic. He slept with my wife as my best friend but never as Jon. That's why I loved Jon. I loved my wife.
I loved, loved, loved and loved but never got loved.
I forgave myself once and now again
I forgive myself for nothing...

Tell her

The smell inside a hospital is always intolerable, and more so when one doesn't knows why he is actually there. I was having supper when my cell-phone rang. Cell phones must have a feature of not receiving calls during dinner.
"Hello"
"May I speak to Mr.Jim?" a thin female voice asked. It was an anxious voice.
"Speaking"
"Mr. Jim, can you please come to the 5th avenue hospital. It may sound insane but I have got no reason for which you should come. I am just asked to call you here urgently." now the tension grew in her voice, she sounded like an employee, but an inexperienced one.
"But" I tried to argue.
"It's urgent. So please come." it was a desperate voice now.
"Is it concerned with any of my realtives or my parents."
"Sir, I told you. I don't know the reason. I am just asked to call you as soon as possible." She hung up. I think she knew that I would obviously come.

Now sitting here in the lobby of the hospital, I am utterly confused.
"Are you Mr.Jim?" that same thin voice asked from my back. I turned around and saw the destroyer of my supper. She was a nurse in her mid-20s.
"Now I know the reason, so can you please come after me" she said. Now I was totally confused. I started walking behind her, but still a dread swept through my head.
This time I didn't ask for the reason but just walked behind her. She turned to the coma chamber of the hospital. The hospital wasn't crowded at that time.
In the coma chamber hall, she pointed towards room no.7.
"You won't come."
She shook her head.
"So I should go alone"
She nodded.
I walked slowly as if I was going to see some type of a monster in that room.
I pushed the door staring at the white floor, and when I looked up I saw a man of my same age but I wasn't able to recognise him.
He was looking really weak as if nearing his death, his bones of face were evident, and there was very little flesh remaining on his face.
I had seen him somewhere.
"I knew you would come, Jim. You always trust other people's words and come to help." he was speaking with a effort, but I knew this voice.
I knew this voice very well. I wasn't able to beleive Ian in such a pitiable condition. That handsome shaven face, most logical person of our management training, that lean and athletic body. I met him two years before. We were good friends but never great friends.
But I still remember that day when only I stood up for him against a very rich bully in our second year. The bully threatened to thrash him, and he was in process to do that in front of the students, when I came to his rescue. Ian was strong at that but still the bully had much more flesh in his arms. I knew it would be humilating for him to get beaten in front of all the students. I felt that for him, and saved him from a beating that day. I just supported him by distracting the bully.
I just remember a sentence he said to me that day "A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out." It wasn't a big deal for me to help him, but only the small things that make a big deal.
"What has happened to you Ian, can't beleive you are in such a bad condition. At first I wasn't able to recognize you man!" I said in a small voice. I was just terrified to see him in such a condition, what can possibly happen to this tall hunk?
"Cancer" that voice was strong but horrifying, I had only heard that voice when my family doctor diagnosed my brother of severe mental disability. It had a touch of courage.
"What?" nothing more than that came from my mouth, i was just not able to speak for a few seconds. After a few seconds he broke the silence.
"Hey don't be so silent, you know I hate silence. If you will react so silently, how will she react." he told me, but now why did he have to talk about Kate, I know he loved her like anything. For him Kate was the ultimate aim. Kate was a fellow student in our management course. She was pretty and the most kind hearted person I ever met. I never really talked to her like a friend, but it was like that with me with most of the female fellows.
"Who Kate?" I asked even when I knew.
"Yes, I called you here so that I can tell you something which you will tell her after I die. I have not much time left and not much energy also. The chemotherapy has drained me of my life." he said again in that terrying and strong voice.
"Don't say that Ian, you are the liveliest person I have ever seen." I retorted.
"But now this cancer is draining me of life. We are lively till we beleive. Life plays games with us and we sometimes have to react strongly to the life's moves in the game." he told me in a familiar teacher voice. He is a teacher, Ian is.
"Leave it, what do you want me to tell Kate?" I really wanted to know this.
"Tell her that it was I who always kept chocolates at her desk in our university." I knew Kate just loved chocolates.
"Tell her it was I who sent those mysterious notes of Trans-cycle management in our first year." now those notes were a decidor for most of our grades.
"Tell her It was me who always wrote poems for her and kept them in her duffel bag."
"Tell her it was me who gifted her that notebook in which I wrote what I felt about her." I still remember Ian writing that notebook with different pens. But when he kept that notebook in Kate's bag, he didn't write his name.
"Tell her that I always dream of her when I sleep." he choked when he said this, he started again.
"Tell her it was me who fought with those bullies for her." Ian broke fingers in that fight, so that Kate could live in peace.
"Tell her that I lost the speech competition intentionally only to see her smiling." that day was mysterious because even after losing the speech competition Ian was very happy. Now I know why.
"Tell her that I cried the whole night after we passed out from the management course."
"Tell her that everytime she smiled, I lived a life."
"Tell her that I like it when she makes that confusing face. I just love that expression of her." his voice was deteorating, but I didn't stop him from saying what he wanted to say all these years.
"Tell her that it was I who explained her parents of allowing her to work in the Rockies' Department Store." her parents were against her of joining such a bad occupation but Kate wanted some experience.
"Tell her she is the most pretty girl in this world, and that it was I who sent her the cosmetic products which she liked so much."
"Tell her that I sent her the romantic novels which she liked so much."
"Tell her it was me who lent a kidney to his brother, because I wasn't able to see her so sad and depressed."
"What the hell, you lent Whitley your kidney. Ian do you know that a single kidney is one of the most key-factors of cancer." I said after a long time, well I shouted in reality. But how can he risk his life.
"Tell her that the last word of my life was" his voice trailed.
"First answer me Ian, how can you risk your life? How can you?" i was trembling.
"Kate..." he stopped and his life ended. I shook my body to close his eyes, then I realised that I had been standing during the whole time we talked. He died, Ian Strieber died that January night. I just wasn't able to take it through my throat. But I wasn't crying for him, I don't know but I felt like laughing out loud. Yeah it was true grief, I loved Ian for that moment the greatest. I had heard many times 'Love kills' but now understood it somehow. For her brother, he died. For the sake of dying, he died. For love, he died...

Next day I called Kate and asked her for a drink in Broncho's Cafe. I didn't tell her about the death of Ian, but I knew what Ian wanted me to tell her.
"So after a long time we are meeting." she came from behind where I was sitting. She looked as if she had used one of the cosmetic sets Ian gifted her. She was pretty. And her eyes were the best.
"So anything special or something else." she was always straight forward.
"I just want to tell you something. Ian loved you and he died last night. If you don't beleive me just read this page in which it's written what he never wanted you to know." I choked as I finished the last sentence, it was the first time after Ian's death that tears flowed on my face. I looked towards Kate. She took the page and stood up, she didn't even say bye. She was crying, I saw that. I never saw or heard from her after that day.
Even after so many years I still wonder why did Ian choose me to tell everything to Kate. But then it's the small things that make a big deal.