The Rejection

“Are you nuts dude?” Aron told me instead of asking. Eighteen year olds do that all the time.

“Here take the nuts” I handed him an imaginary bowl containing brown nuts full to the brim.

See that’s what love does to you. You start imagining so optimistically that you see everything going your way (in this case, my friend’s way).

“Are you sure that you are going to propose her, I mean if you want a hug, a kiss or a fuck, take her out to an abandoned place and out of boredom you people will definitely end up doing at least one of the three”

“I want comfort, I am tired of being single, I am going crazy without her, and I love her.” I defended my proposal feebly.

“Have a fuck with love, I can’t believe you are doing this”

“By the way, I need to buy a gift for her, I can’t propose her empty-handed.” I tried to steer him to another topic.

“Yeah, and this time I am accompanying you, you don’t want to repeat those bad smelling strange orange flowers which you gave her on her birthday” and sometimes I wonder how fast friends accept your actions and agree to be a part of it.

He stood up and went to the refrigerator.

“Why the fuck isn’t there any coke in it?” he just needed excuses to swear.

“The coke reminds me that did you do anything with Georgia that evening over the cold drinks?” I wanted the details, kisses are always fun to hear.

“No, she only kissed the coke can that evening”

“I guess you also need to propose her”

“For a kiss? To do hell with your proposal.” He barked as he threw imaginary bowl back at me.

See things were coming my way. That is what happens when you are in love.

---x---x---x---x---x---

The shop was exotic, and the things were more exotic. We both stared at this advertisement showcasing a free ticket to the lucky winner to Bahamas, bikini clad beauties sunbathing on the beach.

“Think you win this ticket, and you end up there with your girl as the partner. You won’t even be able to stare at the curves, let alone doing justice to the bodies. All you will end up doing is taking notes on the different types of lingerie dictated by your girl.” said Aron. He did terrify me a bit by the thought of holding handbags full of lingerie. But I wasn’t going for the contest, so no Bahamas, no beautiful bodies and definitely no lingerie.

“I love her man” I really wanted to convince him. He gave me a dirty look and we started the search for the heart winner.

At last I came upon this really beautiful ring with her name’s first letter inscribed on it. It reminded me of a movie, but I put the thought aside and convinced myself that I was the world’s most original Romeo.

I asked the price, and took out the money from my pocket. The money I saved in two months plus all the debts I took for this gift. I admired the ring liking the smooth surface and the shine.

“Are you really going to propose her, as in kneel down in front of her mudding your jeans and extending your hand and telling her all that gibberish?” Aron jerked me as I was going to hand over the bucks. He thought I was joking all the time I told him about her. He now understood it consciously, when I paid the money for the event. Money always seals a deal or an event.

“Yeah, that is the way it is done, right.”

“Uhh, you are going to be in deep shit, and you call it deep love.” He turned the other side to watch the bikini babes as I handed the last bucks I partially owned.

---x---x---x---x---x---

“I like you very much” I was on my knees, and as prophesised by Aron I was definitely mudding my jeans, and she was staring at me wide eyed.

“I like you too. So what is it in hiding? Aren’t we that close as friends that we like each other?” She knew. I know she knew that what I was trying to tell her.

“I mean I like you in that way” It wasn’t going as planned for sure. She moved a little away from me.

“Dave, you really have a special place in my life. I feel so comfortable talking to you or being with you, you are like my best friend. I love you, as a friend though. I don’t want to lose you.” She said as a matter of fact. Who says girls can’t shut you up?

But was that a no? I seriously couldn’t understand. All I wanted was that I wanted her to feel how much I loved her, I wasn’t quite sure how to tell her. She was insisting on me being a good friend to her for a lifetime. I can’t help being reminded of the song ‘House of cards’ by that depressing band radiohead.

I don’t want to be your friend,

I just want to be your lover.

No matter how it ends,

No matter how it starts.

For sure I wasn’t going to sing that out for her. She would definitely say no then.

“I was going crazy without telling you. From two months I wanted to tell you this and wasn’t able to. I love you.” And the surge of feeling made me lively. I really wanted her to say yes. I would have begged, but that wouldn’t have suited my dignity. I skipped the begging part.

“I don’t want to lose you. I never knew that you felt like this for me.” She was definitely making me feel guilty of feeling ‘that’ way. She continued,

“If I would even have an inclination or a hint of this, I would have cleared it to you. I never told you but I was committed. I broke up just two months back.” The last two lines were a blur.

“What?” I thought I misheard, and I was pretty sure of that.

“I was committed, I had a boyfriend. We broke up two months back.” Who said central India was safe from explosives, she just hurled a nuclear at me. I went limp, I really felt empty. I was thoroughly and truly shocked. All the times I talked to her, the long hours all these months, the laughs. I thought I owned them, but it really felt bad that I wasn’t the person she rejoiced with, I was not the person with whom she shared her thoughts with. Her heart was somewhere else when all the time she talked to me. All the attention I gave her, all the time I wanted to see her happy, the times I made her happy, it all went to another person. I felt cheated, I felt like I wanted to die, I don’t know but I couldn’t just come to terms with her having a boyfriend all this time. For once in my lifetime, I felt like a filler for empty spaces. Who was she? The girl with whom I made fun of committed people, the one who hated emotions, the free from love fun loving one, I knew her that way only and I loved her that way only. She was a joy for me. But I didn’t know this girl, the committed one. I was never important, but I thought I was, she made feel so. I wanted to cry for that, I wanted to lie down and cry. I wanted to beat my fists on the ground and cry. But that wasn’t exactly a manly thing to do, so I skipped it.

“And you call me your best friend? You never told me this” I restrained myself from using Aron’s slang.

“I never felt the need to. I don’t share such things with friends. I am like that only.” For god’s sake, is that a reason? I wasn’t ready to understand her. This was getting really dizzy, I didn’t feel like I was there. She must have had her reasons, but I guess I deserved to know at least that.

“I am really sorry, but I never knew that this would happen.” She had a point somewhere, but I wasn’t ready to take it in.

“I don’t want to lose a great friend. Give me some time” said she.

“Time as in?” I asked.

“To get over with it, I guess I don’t deserve it and why should you wait for me, but I had like to have some time, to wait for some time.” She turned away and started going away.

She was beautiful you know. The really beautiful ones you rarely see, the ones who succeed in forming a lump in your throat. She cared for me for that is why she insisted on not losing me. I loved her, I was surer of that now. My jeans were pretty mudded now. Half an hour on knees don’t exactly give you a cushion feeling.

“I guess I have decided to wait for you.” I shouted out to her as she walked away.

“I… thank you” she turned and said as she walked away.

---x---x---x---x---x---

I am eighty years old now and I am sitting on the couch and munching my imaginary brown nuts from my imaginary bowl, with the help of Aron’s dentures waiting for her. (Yes, you guessed it right, he died five years ago due to AIDS, was a gruesome scene. I don’t want to get into the details. They found the body at 2.30 in the afternoon with a live blonde along him. I guess it must be one of his pleasure sessions. So I acquired the dentures through his will, the only thing that Aron wasn’t indebted of)

I am still munching out of my imaginary bowl. See that is what love does to you.

P.S.

@Aron – You are illiterate enough not to read this. I mean you won’t bother to read this, you have your girls.

@Raghav – I heard thirty songs of Radiohead over five times in one night. I didn’t sleep for that whole night. I felt alone, and I felt really alone. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk and discuss this thing with. Sadly I had none. I miss you man.

@Dube – You were correct, I can never get a girl. I am better off with porn.

@Senior Malik – Please don’t give me a lecture series on how many girls I can get. Let me enjoy my sadness.

@Junior Malik – You encouraged me to do this thing, see what happened. Now go eat shit.

@Ass me – Ms. NSPF is really pretty. You were correct, love doesn’t happen at all sides. I know you don’t remember yourself saying that, but what the fuck I need emotional quotations to decorate this post with.

@My first girlfriend whom I never touched – She disappointed me more in one time than you succeeded in disappointing me during our whole relationship. Learn something.

@All the above – I really feel love teaches you to be tender, and the time you spend in it is like special. Something really special. I love you all, you were there to bear my rants on facebook about my crazy love. All the times I screamed, shouted, abused and fought over it. I thank you for that. All the times you gave me advice on gifts, on styles and all the time when you encouraged me to go ahead with my heart. I may bother you no more with her. This hasn’t exactly ended the way I wanted, but then endings are not supposed to be monotonous and predictable.

@The girl I love – I love you, more than you will ever know and more than I can ever tell you. I shall be waiting for you.