Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Rejection

“Are you nuts dude?” Aron told me instead of asking. Eighteen year olds do that all the time.

“Here take the nuts” I handed him an imaginary bowl containing brown nuts full to the brim.

See that’s what love does to you. You start imagining so optimistically that you see everything going your way (in this case, my friend’s way).

“Are you sure that you are going to propose her, I mean if you want a hug, a kiss or a fuck, take her out to an abandoned place and out of boredom you people will definitely end up doing at least one of the three”

“I want comfort, I am tired of being single, I am going crazy without her, and I love her.” I defended my proposal feebly.

“Have a fuck with love, I can’t believe you are doing this”

“By the way, I need to buy a gift for her, I can’t propose her empty-handed.” I tried to steer him to another topic.

“Yeah, and this time I am accompanying you, you don’t want to repeat those bad smelling strange orange flowers which you gave her on her birthday” and sometimes I wonder how fast friends accept your actions and agree to be a part of it.

He stood up and went to the refrigerator.

“Why the fuck isn’t there any coke in it?” he just needed excuses to swear.

“The coke reminds me that did you do anything with Georgia that evening over the cold drinks?” I wanted the details, kisses are always fun to hear.

“No, she only kissed the coke can that evening”

“I guess you also need to propose her”

“For a kiss? To do hell with your proposal.” He barked as he threw imaginary bowl back at me.

See things were coming my way. That is what happens when you are in love.

---x---x---x---x---x---

The shop was exotic, and the things were more exotic. We both stared at this advertisement showcasing a free ticket to the lucky winner to Bahamas, bikini clad beauties sunbathing on the beach.

“Think you win this ticket, and you end up there with your girl as the partner. You won’t even be able to stare at the curves, let alone doing justice to the bodies. All you will end up doing is taking notes on the different types of lingerie dictated by your girl.” said Aron. He did terrify me a bit by the thought of holding handbags full of lingerie. But I wasn’t going for the contest, so no Bahamas, no beautiful bodies and definitely no lingerie.

“I love her man” I really wanted to convince him. He gave me a dirty look and we started the search for the heart winner.

At last I came upon this really beautiful ring with her name’s first letter inscribed on it. It reminded me of a movie, but I put the thought aside and convinced myself that I was the world’s most original Romeo.

I asked the price, and took out the money from my pocket. The money I saved in two months plus all the debts I took for this gift. I admired the ring liking the smooth surface and the shine.

“Are you really going to propose her, as in kneel down in front of her mudding your jeans and extending your hand and telling her all that gibberish?” Aron jerked me as I was going to hand over the bucks. He thought I was joking all the time I told him about her. He now understood it consciously, when I paid the money for the event. Money always seals a deal or an event.

“Yeah, that is the way it is done, right.”

“Uhh, you are going to be in deep shit, and you call it deep love.” He turned the other side to watch the bikini babes as I handed the last bucks I partially owned.

---x---x---x---x---x---

“I like you very much” I was on my knees, and as prophesised by Aron I was definitely mudding my jeans, and she was staring at me wide eyed.

“I like you too. So what is it in hiding? Aren’t we that close as friends that we like each other?” She knew. I know she knew that what I was trying to tell her.

“I mean I like you in that way” It wasn’t going as planned for sure. She moved a little away from me.

“Dave, you really have a special place in my life. I feel so comfortable talking to you or being with you, you are like my best friend. I love you, as a friend though. I don’t want to lose you.” She said as a matter of fact. Who says girls can’t shut you up?

But was that a no? I seriously couldn’t understand. All I wanted was that I wanted her to feel how much I loved her, I wasn’t quite sure how to tell her. She was insisting on me being a good friend to her for a lifetime. I can’t help being reminded of the song ‘House of cards’ by that depressing band radiohead.


I don’t want to be your friend,

I just want to be your lover.

No matter how it ends,

No matter how it starts.


For sure I wasn’t going to sing that out for her. She would definitely say no then.

“I was going crazy without telling you. From two months I wanted to tell you this and wasn’t able to. I love you.” And the surge of feeling made me lively. I really wanted her to say yes. I would have begged, but that wouldn’t have suited my dignity. I skipped the begging part.

“I don’t want to lose you. I never knew that you felt like this for me.” She was definitely making me feel guilty of feeling ‘that’ way. She continued,

“If I would even have an inclination or a hint of this, I would have cleared it to you. I never told you but I was committed. I broke up just two months back.” The last two lines were a blur.

“What?” I thought I misheard, and I was pretty sure of that.

“I was committed, I had a boyfriend. We broke up two months back.” Who said central India was safe from explosives, she just hurled a nuclear at me. I went limp, I really felt empty. I was thoroughly and truly shocked. All the times I talked to her, the long hours all these months, the laughs. I thought I owned them, but it really felt bad that I wasn’t the person she rejoiced with, I was not the person with whom she shared her thoughts with. Her heart was somewhere else when all the time she talked to me. All the attention I gave her, all the time I wanted to see her happy, the times I made her happy, it all went to another person. I felt cheated, I felt like I wanted to die, I don’t know but I couldn’t just come to terms with her having a boyfriend all this time. For once in my lifetime, I felt like a filler for empty spaces. Who was she? The girl with whom I made fun of committed people, the one who hated emotions, the free from love fun loving one, I knew her that way only and I loved her that way only. She was a joy for me. But I didn’t know this girl, the committed one. I was never important, but I thought I was, she made feel so. I wanted to cry for that, I wanted to lie down and cry. I wanted to beat my fists on the ground and cry. But that wasn’t exactly a manly thing to do, so I skipped it.

“And you call me your best friend? You never told me this” I restrained myself from using Aron’s slang.

“I never felt the need to. I don’t share such things with friends. I am like that only.” For god’s sake, is that a reason? I wasn’t ready to understand her. This was getting really dizzy, I didn’t feel like I was there. She must have had her reasons, but I guess I deserved to know at least that.

“I am really sorry, but I never knew that this would happen.” She had a point somewhere, but I wasn’t ready to take it in.

“I don’t want to lose a great friend. Give me some time” said she.

“Time as in?” I asked.

“To get over with it, I guess I don’t deserve it and why should you wait for me, but I had like to have some time, to wait for some time.” She turned away and started going away.

She was beautiful you know. The really beautiful ones you rarely see, the ones who succeed in forming a lump in your throat. She cared for me for that is why she insisted on not losing me. I loved her, I was surer of that now. My jeans were pretty mudded now. Half an hour on knees don’t exactly give you a cushion feeling.

“I guess I have decided to wait for you.” I shouted out to her as she walked away.

“I… thank you” she turned and said as she walked away.

---x---x---x---x---x---

I am eighty years old now and I am sitting on the couch and munching my imaginary brown nuts from my imaginary bowl, with the help of Aron’s dentures waiting for her. (Yes, you guessed it right, he died five years ago due to AIDS, was a gruesome scene. I don’t want to get into the details. They found the body at 2.30 in the afternoon with a live blonde along him. I guess it must be one of his pleasure sessions. So I acquired the dentures through his will, the only thing that Aron wasn’t indebted of)

I am still munching out of my imaginary bowl. See that is what love does to you.



P.S.

@Aron – You are illiterate enough not to read this. I mean you won’t bother to read this, you have your girls.

@Raghav – I heard thirty songs of Radiohead over five times in one night. I didn’t sleep for that whole night. I felt alone, and I felt really alone. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk and discuss this thing with. Sadly I had none. I miss you man.

@Dube – You were correct, I can never get a girl. I am better off with porn.

@Senior Malik – Please don’t give me a lecture series on how many girls I can get. Let me enjoy my sadness.

@Junior Malik – You encouraged me to do this thing, see what happened. Now go eat shit.

@Ass me – Ms. NSPF is really pretty. You were correct, love doesn’t happen at all sides. I know you don’t remember yourself saying that, but what the fuck I need emotional quotations to decorate this post with.

@My first girlfriend whom I never touched – She disappointed me more in one time than you succeeded in disappointing me during our whole relationship. Learn something.

@All the above – I really feel love teaches you to be tender, and the time you spend in it is like special. Something really special. I love you all, you were there to bear my rants on facebook about my crazy love. All the times I screamed, shouted, abused and fought over it. I thank you for that. All the times you gave me advice on gifts, on styles and all the time when you encouraged me to go ahead with my heart. I may bother you no more with her. This hasn’t exactly ended the way I wanted, but then endings are not supposed to be monotonous and predictable.



@The girl I love – I love you, more than you will ever know and more than I can ever tell you. I shall be waiting for you.

15 comments:

Aadya. said...

Hey.

I won't say anything about how it is written or whatever.

I never even thought you took that stupid comment seriously.

You've like scared me with this writing. I am not very sure of the reason.

Raghav said...

well i wasnt expecting this but anyways. Love can do that to you. thats why i always suggest to stay away from it. but am pretty sure you are not in the mood to listen to this crap. i wish i could be there for you now. sadly i cant. sorry for not being there.
P.S. radiohead is not depressing. ok you tried but found them so coz you were in that mood.

@aadya: is there something in the world that might not scare you?

Crepuscule Colour said...

You got something right, waiting for someone is futile, and nothing ever actually comes out of it.
Though why you're still waiting in the last line is confusing..

I liked the storyline, and esp., it helped me in cementing this vague personal idea that platonic, emotionally deep relationships lurk in muddy waters, my friend.

It's better to stay a little aloof, or that's what I've learnt.

Btw, this may sounds a bit mean and betraying but most girls are b*tches. It's true.

Unrequited love, the string running through endless comedies and tragedies of our times. Real and reel. Sad, but true.

I said "love doesn't happen on all sides"? I may have, but I really don't like believing that stuff, even if it's hundred percent true :P

falcon said...

@Puneet

Gum ka sathi Rum.

Do peg maar,chill Maar.. aur uske baad sochiyo

6 month mein kutte se bhi pyaar ho jayega .. but she waswith u for full two month atleast

abe agar koi ye soch raha hai ki 80 ke baad bhi tu pyaar karega.. to ya to woh totally out ho gaya hai ..psychology mein ek tarah ki bimari hai..yakeen nahin aye to pata kar le..something like Psychological fixation..

Dhakkan 2 months ago she broke up with her boyfriend..she needed an ass to make her run from her problems ..not an ass to become her problem...

man lastly did u seriously think u can figure out a woman?

aur lastly rona band karo!!

Perx said...

yaar waise ek baat sochne waali hai.. girls always say "i never thought about you that way"
i mean what is up with that? "is there something wrong with us.. do we not fit ur criteria? should we be tom cruise clones for u to be attracted to us? why didn't u think of us that way? are we disabled in some way, or are you just a bitch?"

/rant

Meghna said...

Alrite, I did say you to go ahead, but I dint know you were this serious...I really am sad for you, but of anything else, I am baffled...seriously baffled.

Ruch.. said...

<< no comments over this dramatic piece of work by you >>

n u wud nt like me to start a series of lectures.. after all the rants nd philosophies n consolations above.. would u ?

Meghna said...

@Perx above...well, I guess its nt girls who are always at fault...who tells u guys to have the hots for every girl that becomes a little close friend of yours...u guys are never happy enuf with friendship alone...n wen a girl tells you she is happy enuf being your phrend...u say that girls suck n they make your life miserable...this is insane!!

Crepuscule Colour said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Crepuscule Colour said...

I agree with Perx. Completely.
Right on.. total bitches.. most of them.

Girls.. Don't help the world stereotype us all if you can't handle your relationships the right way. Any and every kind of.

Too many cliches in their vocabulary.

Ruch.. said...

Crepuscule colour (asmi??) is so ryt .. gals truly are bitches, at least most of them are.. seriously..

n my dear sis meghna, don't b so judgemental.. love can happen to ppl, anywhere, anytime, n from all sides..it does not happen with every gal or every boy who is a close friend.. love is different, n unexplainable.. n stop being a chauvinist sweetheart..

Perx said...

@meghna
well sorry for being a human being and being attracted to a pretty girl, how could we think of doing what we are basically programmed to do..
i guess u r right to fight ur primary instincts of trying to find a good mate and just concentrate on what the media fills ur head with...
u r right, we should never like a girl and be gay.. happy?

Puneet said...

I have never commented on any of my posts myself, but as this post is as public as it is private, I am going to.

@Aadya - You won't, I know the post sucks. I did take the comment seriously, for all the times I laugh and kid around doesn't means you can tell me anything and call it 'not serious'. Guys do listen to every comment and they remember it as long as they think it is true. I may have scared you, seriously the post does sounds pathetic and sad. That should be your reason.

@Raghav - Love can do a million things to you, but being away from it isn't the solution. We should approach it in such a way that there is minimum damage. I mean we can seriously approach it with damage control. And you will be here for me someday, maybe when I will be rested in peace. I won't say I am looking forward to it. Radiohead is depressing, I couldn't come out of temporary made up depression because of it. Yeah, we people don't scare aadya. She is such a darling.

@Crepuscule Colour - I guess you are one of the few commenters who evoke a response. See I am waiting in the last line, because there is a thing called 'hope', an unending hope for everything that she would come to me, that she would call me and say "yes I am yours". You won't believe me, but nowadays when I am able to sleep which is rare, I wake up in two hours and check my cellphone for her calls or messages. Yeah, emotional relationships can really get f***ed up if everything is not clear. I don't know about girls being bitches, seriously.

@falcon - your comment made me smile. But yeah, I guess you haven't loved anyone, that is why you are saying that you get over it. Trust me, it is one of the difficult things. When you trust someone emotionally, and you give your all I guess you deserve to know what her status is. I wasn't talking about her past, I was talking about her present. She made me feel important, that is what sucks. And yeah figuring out a woman is seriously difficult.

@Perx - I seriously don't know about girls not accepting us. I had a girlfriend once, and from what I know and feel, she really loved me. Many girls are bitches, but this one wasn't. I am pretty sure she cares for me.

@Meghna - For your first comment, thanks for the care, but you didn't think I was serious. You know that is the problem. Noone thinks I am serious and they reject me like that. I really feel like a joker and filler now. And at your second comment, you are not my friend after this, you have insulted me. I have my share of female friends and ask anyone of them if I go after them crying love. Seriously, it is we who choose to love whom and trust me, we are not that so much after looks. A great heart if it seems, is all we want and need. Sometimes the great heart seems only great from a distance. You have seriously ridiculed our friendship by that second comment.

@Ruch - Give me the lecture, see the people above. See their enlightenment, you go ahead with yours. I will appreciate that.

@Asmi, Ruchika, Perx - It is not that the girls are bad, they have that option of playing you know. I guess only a very little portion of people understand love at this age. Who do, care for the other people's feelings. We can call girls bitches for the sake of our sarcasm and contentment. But let them understand it. And yeah perx, I just guess that it is the mind that attracts me more than the body. For the record I have ended up hating pretty girls after I talk to them..

Sowmya. said...

Great writing as usual and I'd take this to be fiction if not for the fact that I know its true.

Rejection hurts (obviously) but as they say 'Try and try until you succeed' and don't lose hope.

The '@the girl I love' says it all dude.

Yeah, Amazing writing and I think you succeeded in putting your emotions onto paper (um, blog).

These are the miseries of life after all. And I can't resist saying this truly sappy line - 'Every cloud has a silver lining so go and find yours'

Depression is so not the solution.

and HECK,
The girl to boy ratio is still 926 : 1000! :P

Starbuck said...

This blog post has succeeded in striking me speechless. Only at the end did I realize that this wasn't a piece of fiction.

Howsoever, I do not believe that I am one to comment of your feelings, since I have never been in love. Not yet. I hope when I do, it is reciprocated. Even so, I can tell you that with time, you will get over her. It hurts, sure it does. But you can't waste your life over this. You are too young right now to think of being eighty and toothless. People fall in love, but then they fall out of it too. You will find another love. Don't lose heart.

Take care.
Starbuck

P.S. I believe it is too late now to address the misogyny going on in the comments section. Nor do I have any intention of preaching to the choir so let my request to them to consider their thoughts before they speak suffice.