From Amrikka, with love

And now the U.S. president will address the parliament.

Mr. Vice President, Madame Speaker, Mr. Prime Minister, Members of the Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha, and most of all, the very useful people of India.

I thank you for the great honor of addressing the very opportunistic representatives of more than one billion blind Indians and the world's largest opportunity err I mean democracy. I bring the greetings, friendship, and a few goodies of the world's oldest dominating democracy-the USA, including nearly three million marginalized and patriotic Americans Indians.

I am a man of few words, because I don’t know many.
Over the past two days, me and my wife had the opportunity to witness schoolchildren who are being taught very nicely to work in and for our country, and also the innovators who are fuelling USA’s economic rise more than India’s. At every stop, we have been welcomed with hospitality for which the honible Indians are known for. The dreams in their eyes, to work in the microsofts, and googles of USA. Some will succeed, for others we have our hygienic grocery shops.
I am not the first president, nor the last president to visit this charming country. But yes, I am the president who has brought the highest number of opportunities for the classes, not the masses.
After witnessing the rise of India, I believe that the relationship between USA and India will be one of the defining relationships in this century. From a country of snake charmers, it has become a land of big industrialists and rich farmers. Thus I believe that India is our bandwagon for the further development of our country, and thus I am here to book as many opportunities as I can for my country.
I am here to tell you that India and USA are like brothers, USA being the elder one. As an elder brother, we will take adequate care of you, though sometimes we may snatch your lollipops but that is to ensure that you people ever get pampered.
Maybe we don’t share common values, but yes you people are catching up. I can see your clothes getting shorter by the day. Your people now have an accent which resembles ours. And now the sophistication is pretty clear in your eyes. Only today I was talking to the young entrepreneurs of your country, how individualistic, ambitious, and power hungry they have become. They just need a direction. We will show them the way. We have the executive positions for you, the laboratories are ready for you, the call centers are empty, just for you. We believe that no matter where you live-whether a village in Punjab or the bylanes of Chandni Chowk…an old section of Kolkata or a new high-rise in Bangalore-every person deserves the same chance to have the opportunity to work, earn, and live under us. That is why, this time I have brought more corporate minds than beaurocrats . We really want to stamp our presence in your markets. After all our macdonalds feed your mouths. I am here for strong business, which will be good for me, and good for you my audience. The United States remains-and will continue to remain-one of the most open economies in the world. And we want to open your economy, I hope you understand what I mean.
We are ready to share our nuke secrets with you, but that comes at a cost. You may call it freedom, and have some complains. But trust me it is worth it. And anyways you haven’t a done a good with your freedom till now. And about the permanent seat in UNSC, we are ready to vouch for you. But again, we don’t want you getting mushy with iran then. We don’t want you to pursue foreign policies that may hurt your elder brother, the USA. You may call this curtailment of sovereignty, but then who will put you on the right track if not your elder brother. Talking about the Pakistan problem, and the terrorism that affects your dinner table, I just have a sentence to say. Millions die of diseases in your country due to diseases every year, so why such a hue and cry about a few hundred who die at the hands of your neighbor?
To sum up this short speech, I really want to say that you are our partner in Asia, because China is too strong to be made one. We will always give you opportunities to speak when we want you to. We are committed to see that you don’t develop too much, that it may hurt us in the end. And yes, we take the credit and responsibility of indirectly shortening your population. To speak out a manipulated quotation from your oh so wonderful panchatantra – “That one is mine and the other a stranger is the concept of little minds. But to the large-hearted, the world itself is itself is a bag full of opportunities and booty.”

Thank you, Jai Hind!, and long live the relationship between India and the United States. The relationship of money or morals, is our discretion.