Monday, May 17, 2010

Anger, pain, and insanity.

I can understand I am insane when I start listening to music at full volume, punching my wall to feel the knuckles. I perfectly understand I am insane, and for a considerable amount of time too. I am insane right now too, and if I keep typing for a long long I am sure to break the keyboard. And yes, I am dangerous during this time.

Let me understand my insanity, in my childhood I used to be angry, very angry. When angry, I used to bite my tongue between the two jaws, it gave me pleasure. I wanted to crush my anger source, to split that person into two, taking a knife and blowing his eyes, inserting hot rods in his ears, burning his lips, and then with finesse cutting him into two parts vertically. I used to visualise it all keeping the person in mind. And no, it never gave me any pleasure, it gave me incentive to at least punch him to some bleeding.

The primary reason for my childhood anger was the non-introduction of reason of anything. Like someone asked me to do anything and then he didn’t give me a reason, I felt the same for him as I felt for the person in the paragraph above. Reasons are basically important for me, and as I have seen in this world, either there is reason or there is bloodshed. Thus the same went with me, as a kid I couldn’t blood up anyone but yes I used to fantasize of killing my anger sources, pathetically at that.

Pain grew as a cure to anger. I don’t understand mental torture or pain or any of the shit novels, and people say, I don’t believe in it because I haven’t ever seen it. I believe in physical pain, because I have seen people crying out of pain and punches. And their cries are desires of sympathy, and voice, it gives me intense satisfaction, no doubts.

I grew up to be a lenient person, the anger got buried under layers, and no one really gave me enough reasons to bring it up again. As I entered my 16th year, the pressures came, the reasons came, and the frustration came. It so happened that I started seeing reason in everything I did, but when I was asked to do things opposite of my own reasons it made me angry and when I couldn’t do anything to satisfy my anger it turned into insanity. So much more of punching walls, tearing notebooks, and shouting out to beat my own lungs. And yes, being rude to people intentionally to hurt them and as people tell me, I quite as well succeeded in it.

So, let me draw a graph for my anger, and insanity. In my case, it has a lot to do with pleasure I gain from self inflicted pain, and a lot of encouragement from the fantasies I give birth to. In anger, I see reason, and that reason tells me that I am irrational. On the other hand, people in anger can’t see reason. I see reason, and then I act irrational in the worst possible way. Though I don’t really have a history of violence, to find reason I will always turn insane, and maybe when I have power enough I will inflict the pain on others too.

To end on a sadistic note,

“Let me hurt you before you die yourself.”

1 comment:

PandaW said...

Intense but well written :)