Nothing is sweeter in a coaching class other than defeating a genius who is an egoist and your best friend by 2 marks in a trigonometry test. And that sweetness is multiplied by infinity when it is in front of a girl you have a crush on.
Now I have this friend Anton who is a total genius, studies damn well. We have another guy with us, Kevin, a crybaby unlike what his name suggests. And then me and a girl. Together we make 4 in the coaching. Wait... yes four only.
"How much did you get" asked our cowboy-type-dressed-up coach
"18" mumbled Kevin.
"You"
"28" said Anton looking up from his answer sheet for the first time in the last 40 minutes. I punched my desk and mumbled "yes" to myself.
"You"
"24" said my partner( only in the coaching).
"and you" asked my coach with a sneer. He had that satisfaction that I must have scored in the negative because I was the most inattentive and talkative of the lot.
"30, sir" said I with a satisfaction which my coach had a moment ago. Anton was staring at me. He must be thinking "Boy how did he get that" But then I have scored the highest in the first test of our all new coaching.
"You all can go now. Tommorrow at 6." With that our coach dismissed us from the class without congratulating me.
"Congrats Leo" Kiara congratulated me as we stepped out of the room.
"Thanks, the paper was relatively easy. Where did you do a mistake?" I asked her as I faced her, now i can stare at her pretty face without that nosy coach asking me to shut up or to concentrate on my note-less copy. You see due to the 40 minute examination, he let us go 20 minutes earlier. Now the only thing that I pray for is the late coming of his dad to the coaching. I want some time with her.
"That cos 37 degree question, I have never seen the likes of fancy unit digits in a degree till now, so i didn't know the value of it." she answered in a gruff tone. I think it's a bad idea to ask a girl her mistakes after an examination.
"Oh that, it was relatively easy, pure logic you know. I also didn't know it's value but it was getting cancelled here." I opened the question paper and showed it to her, she pretended to look but I knew that she wasn't interested. So it's a much more bad idea to show a girl the correct answer for her mistake.
Anton and Kevin brushed passed me in a great hurry. I was just going to call out for Anton when i saw that Kevin was weeping.
"What's this, is he crying." she asked me in a hushed tone.
"Yeah, must be. I have seen him crying in the class because he couldn't complete his notes in the prescribed time, and i was laughing because I submitted my last year's notes to escape punishment, so the least marks in the coaching must a really heart breaking blow to him." I told her.
"Hey Leo, I think we should call kevin when he reaches home, he is too upset to be left alone." Anton said in a near dead tone.
"Leave it, he just pretends." matter over, Anton won't say anything more to me because he knows that I despise that Kevin and it won't be any use. Now I was waiting for Anton's dad so that only me Kiara are left and I could take her out to eat something. Well I wasn't exactly hungry but yeah when you eat with a girl you keep eating a variety of things because that's the only time when you keep an eye for the number of courses. We have to impress the girl na.
Time was running out, his dad wasn't going to come early. So with a heavy heart I gave in and decided to take out Anton along with her.
"Listen guy and girl, now that the crybaby has gone, I am giving you a party." I asked them instead of really pleading them.
"Good idea, let's go to the Ruckus it's the nearest pizzeria." Anton stated the spot like he was going to pay the bills. We both looked towards her.
"OK" wow why is she so straight, I mean c'mon no other response but at least she has agreed to come.
"So how will we go." asked Anton, now this guy is always obsessed with bad facts. I come on my cycle, Anton's dad drops and picks him, and Kiara comes on her scooty. So that's a problem there. Who two will be on the scooty of the three? Well that was kind of a jackpot question then. But as a very tender and a resigning soul I am, I gave my best friend the signal.
"You two go there, I will catch you both there" said I. Anton gave me such a look like he has just won the Champions League cup and not believing it. After 30 seconds he managed to get something out of his throat.
"Hey Kiara can I drive the scooty upto the pizzeria if you don't mind" he asked in a very sweet voice though he doesn't have one.
"Yeah of course, if you won't drop me during the journey." she said. Wow!!! No hesitation, no half denials and no problems. I peered into her pearl – black eyes half expecting to find love for my best friend in them. But all I got was a blank stare towards the trunk of a tree besides the empty road.
“See you there in three minutes” Anton raced away with my girl behind him, if you call 30 kmph racing away.
Histronomics – Kiara lives in Anton’s apartment. And Anton had a crush on her from the moment he set his eyes upon her (around 4th standard). And I met Kiara only through him. I am nursing a liking for her from the day I met her. But the teen friendship law says that she is his girl and I am not supposed to woo her.
I took my bike (motor-less in fact, I won’t call it a cycle due my ego) from under the overgrowth of branches grown by our coach. I seated myself on the bike with the efficiency of a hero. With thoughts of Kiara in my mind, I started my short journey.
A boy always savours the air which blows across his face during a bike ride, tries to feel it in his hair (even if they are too short). As I overtook a crawling bus, I realized that this will be the first time I will eat-out with a girl. Sad that I will have to share her company with Anton. A lot of new things happen with you, once you land in 10th standard. A board year always brings pressure and also maturity and the most important thing; courage. So the courage rode me on. I chanced upon to see plants grown on the divider of the road and instead of the usual appreciation of the only thing done by the city corporation I remembered flowers. Oh shit! Why didn’t I think of them, but it was too late now.
I would have presented the bunch of flowers to her in front of the whole restaurant. She would have blushed and said, "Thank you Leo, I never thought you love me so much”
Con-science – Why are you breaking her trust, she considers you only as a great friend.
I reached the pizzeria and parked my motor-less bike along with the other motor bikes. It must look funny that an iron rod assembled thing with pedals is surrounded by heavy metal demons. I looked for my friends but they still weren’t there.
“Hey Leo”
I turned left to see Anton coming towards me. But there was no girl besides him.
“Where is Kiara?”
“She is parking the vehicle”
“I thought you drove the scooty”
“Yeah I did, but as the parking needed a more experienced person, I let her do it.”
“Oh, that is so lame of you” and I laughed at his timid ness. He seems a master of foolishness. No dignity.
“Shut up and by the way, I was mightily surprised when you didn’t stop me from riding that vehicle with her behind.”
“I never thought about it” It never really struck me before that but now I was thinking. Oh man! He took her with him. They were placed on the same vehicle, she must have placed her arms round him during the journey. He must have tried some tricks during the ride. Aarrghh, I can’t think of it anymore. How did I let this mistake happen? Shit, shit, shit, shit.
“She didn’t have a problem with you riding it.” I said after a gap of three minutes, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction that I was jealous.
“Hey guys, what are you waiting for, let’s go inside.” Kiara was back.
“Waiting for your heavenly presence” I replied as I pushed the glass door.
“Whatever” why is she so dismissive of most of the sweet things I say to her. Is that the way most of the girls react? I just want her to be in good humour so that she enjoys and remembers the time we will spend forever.
“All the corners are occupied, let’s take the middle one” I pointed out a table for four which was in front of the serving counter. Both of them nodded.
“So who is going to have a look at the menu” asked Anton after we settled down. Who cares for the food? I just want to stare at her face. But then I realized something.
“Hey Kiara, I think you should inform your parents that you are here and will come a bit late” I didn’t want any trouble from her parents. They needn’t think that t8eir daughter is abducted or something.
“Yeah I think I should”
“Here take my cell” I offered her my cell phone. She didn’t bring one. She hated them.
“I’ll be back in a minute” she went towards the entrance with my cell in her right hand.
“What are you going to order?” Anton asked as soon as she got out of sight.
“I have just enough money for buying a six piece large pizza”
“O.K.”
“You take the money and order at the counter”
“O.K., give me the money”. I handed him the whole of the bills that were in my wallet, but just enough for a large pizza. It left me broke. Sitting alone I started tapping on the table and peered over the males to find young pretty faces.
“It’s raining outside” Kiara came from behind me.
“Cool, at last the rain gods are happy”
“But now we will have to wait and it’s already 7:25. So I called dad over here. I don’t want to get wet while going home.” She handed back my cell to me. So her dad is coming over here to take her.
“When have you called him?”
“20 minutes from now, I think we will be finished by then.”
“Finished?” I was surprised, I haven’t even proposed her or made a move and she is already thinking of finishing it.
“I mean that your party will be over by 7.45” she said. That’s O.K. with me but I think she called her father a bit early, but then when have parents come at the right time. It has never happened with my father, let’s see if a girl’s father is on time or not.
"You know what, I didn't study anything for the examination" I told her, and it was totally true because the whole day I was busy staring at the orkut profiles of girls.
"Same here, I was playing with my small brother for the whole day and when the coaching time came, only then did I remember that we had an examination today!"
“Ordered!” Anton announced his comeback.
“And other than the pizza, I also ordered a chowmein for us.” he added.
“Oh so you are not that poor.” I responded. I just so liked to annoy him. Kiara started staring at me. Now what? it was a joke, I didn't really mean to call him poor, it just meant that he could have been a little creative with choice of the second dish. I would never dish out money on a dish like that in an expensive eatery when I can get it for a quarter of the price just outside my place.
Now her stare, I have been a subject to this stare once before also. Once during our regular coaching classes, I mustered up enough courage and wrote, ' You look stunning today ' on my near empty copy, and I showed it to her, she gave me the same eye-brow raised dirty look. I hated it, I am not really like other guys who like to see their interests angry. What do they say "You look really beautiful when you are angry". What the.... Girls look totally shit with their face screwed up with unneedable anger but then guys have mastered of finding at least something positively interesting in their girl's moods and modes. Anton liked the hate stare, so he also put up an attitude and sat. Other times Anton would have cursed me and laughed away my comment, but this time he was acting as the bad dog and impressing upon Kiara that only he was the clean-no-insult guy here. I hated him.
P.S. The above incident/accident/date took place during mid-summer of 2007, we were all 10th standard guys. Kiara is no more my crush, and I am really fortunate to have close friends like Anton and Kiara. I respect both of them a lot. Hey guys, I won't compromise your identity, but if you want some publicity then you can confess it in my comments. Thanks a lot for being a part of my life. I miss you both too much...
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
oVer Is ovEr
Putting my indefinite hibernation aside, I break over my conscience and break my promise of not coming back for two years. But breaking a promise is nothing new to me because whenever I make a promise to me, I mostly end up half fulfilling it.
So putting my laziness aside, I put my fingertips on the heavenly keys of the keyboard and announce my homecoming.
I AM BACK
Saturday, April 12, 2008
It's oVer
It comes to an end. Not really an end but yes a stoppage. Today I stop writing on my blog for two years. I failed in my life because at last I had succumb under the pressure of my making my career. My damned life. These two years will be the most vigorous till now. Just two things to do-study and survive.
But it was always a great feeling when writing for my blog. I will always miss it. The black page opening slowly on my browser due to the slow internet connection. But there was an excitement in itself to lt it unlock slowly. It always felt like an achievement when I used to complete a post for the blog and when I used to get a comment. I will miss it and I promise I will strike back after two years. I will miss you all my readers. I discovered myself through this blog and through you. Thanx to all. Till then you fill your apetite by reading my older posts only and if possible then a comment will be good. I leave this blog at 591 profile views. Bye I will miss this very much. :(
Last thing I will say
When I really started to live, I had to die...
But it was always a great feeling when writing for my blog. I will always miss it. The black page opening slowly on my browser due to the slow internet connection. But there was an excitement in itself to lt it unlock slowly. It always felt like an achievement when I used to complete a post for the blog and when I used to get a comment. I will miss it and I promise I will strike back after two years. I will miss you all my readers. I discovered myself through this blog and through you. Thanx to all. Till then you fill your apetite by reading my older posts only and if possible then a comment will be good. I leave this blog at 591 profile views. Bye I will miss this very much. :(
Last thing I will say
When I really started to live, I had to die...
Friday, April 4, 2008
Rehab my foot
Ways to reduce stress in board examination.
Tips to fight the board examination fear.
Useful tips by toppers to form a good mindset for the board examination.
These were the headlines I read 2 days before giving my first board exam. I don't know but these people really make a hell of board examination. Stress, I never heard of this thing before the tenth examination and now that I have heard I am still not feeling any heat or something. I am cool about the board examination, and people talk about it as it is some type of war. They hype it like anything and even the students who don't even know the meaning of stupid words like tension, fear, stress become stressed.
Can't we give the board examination like any other normal examination. I haven't felt anything like stress till now and I bet I won't feel any stress for the rest of the remaining examination days. And you know what my mother was telling me, " Puneet, don't feel the pressure. Just relax."
And I said, "You too, mum."
I am giving the examination and I tell you there is no damned pressure. Just chilling reminders in the mind. Come on, if we start feeling the pressure at such a young stage, how will we survive when we will get married (I mean then there will board examination everyday in the marriage).
Live to the best in the board year, do all your heart desires and give the boards in a cool mood.
We don't need rehab or councelling.
Like Amy Winehouse mumbled,
"They tried to make me go to rehab
I said no, no, no."
Tips to fight the board examination fear.
Useful tips by toppers to form a good mindset for the board examination.
These were the headlines I read 2 days before giving my first board exam. I don't know but these people really make a hell of board examination. Stress, I never heard of this thing before the tenth examination and now that I have heard I am still not feeling any heat or something. I am cool about the board examination, and people talk about it as it is some type of war. They hype it like anything and even the students who don't even know the meaning of stupid words like tension, fear, stress become stressed.
Can't we give the board examination like any other normal examination. I haven't felt anything like stress till now and I bet I won't feel any stress for the rest of the remaining examination days. And you know what my mother was telling me, " Puneet, don't feel the pressure. Just relax."
And I said, "You too, mum."
I am giving the examination and I tell you there is no damned pressure. Just chilling reminders in the mind. Come on, if we start feeling the pressure at such a young stage, how will we survive when we will get married (I mean then there will board examination everyday in the marriage).
Live to the best in the board year, do all your heart desires and give the boards in a cool mood.
We don't need rehab or councelling.
Like Amy Winehouse mumbled,
"They tried to make me go to rehab
I said no, no, no."
Forgive Myself
From the last 7 years in this prison, I have been wondering that why don't cells have transparent walls. Not that I want the world to watch me, but instead I want to watch the world and feel it's love in my soul. Noone ever loved me, I think that's because I am too good to be loved or because I love others so much that they don't feel the need to give it back to me. You see we only love people when we feel that they won't pay attention to us unless loved by us and if someone pays attention to us without our love then we take that person for granted. In this cell number 12 I have spent 7 years of my life and I think I am going to spend the rest of my life here only. You see I am granted a life sentence for killing my best friend Jon.
I remember the day I got my first assignment success in my newly joined Multinational. I was feeling very elated and I wanted to gift my wife a necklace on the occasion. My boss gave an early leave that day. I went to Sotter's Jewellary shop and bought an expensive necklace for my wife, Kelly. I threw away the price tag because Kelly doesn't likes to spend so much money on such things. She is my queen, she is. I just can't spend more than a day without seeing her. I took the necklace and hurried off to home.
As soon I turned in our street, I saw Jon's bike parked in my garage. Now I was overjoyed, I would give my success news not only to my wife but also to my best friend. How happy he will become, I know that. He will punch me on my back and pointing towards his heart he will say,"You are right there"
I parked my car. I was going to ring the bell to my house when I remembered that I had left the back door in the morning. I wanted to surprise Kelly, so I turned towards the back of the house. On reaching the back door, it was still open. I pushed it gently so that Kelly won't hear me coming.
I was just gulping up happiness on imagining the good reaction of my best friend and my wife. The best news of my adult life till now will be shared with the most loved people of my life.
I reached the living room but there was noone in there. I heard some noise coming from my bedroom. The door to my room was closed. I pushed it open and the scene which I saw is the one I never wanted to remember but still whenever I go to sleep I see it. It's like a negative of a black and white photograph embedded in my brain.
My best friend was sleeping with my wife on my favourite sheet and in my favourite blanket. Just in front of me were Kelly's clothes spread on the floor. And she was there in my best friend's arms.
"Dave" she barely managed to say as she saw me. She was shocked to see me.
"What?" Jon said as he released Kelly from his arms.
"I got this for you Kelly" I kept the necklace box on her clothes on the floor.
My best friend turned to face me, you see he was faced towards Kelly. As he saw me he opened his mouth and then closed it. I think he didn't have anything to say.
"Listen Dave, please don't do someth..." I didn't allow Kelly to complete her sentence as I closed the door. It was the first time in my life that I didn't let her complete her sentence. She thought I would do something insane.
"I won't do anything" I shouted as I collapsed on my sofa. I choked as I tried to drink the glass of water kept on the table in front of me. I wasn't able to swallow what I saw. I wanted to run away, I didn't want to shoot or beat or kill any one of them. But I just wanted to run away. Somewhere far away.
I think I was just crying when I heard the back door getting closed, I turned and saw Kelly back in her clothes. She sat in front of me.
"Dave." she said softly, she was sobbing.
"I just want to ask one thing, did I love you less" I asked her, still without an eye-contact with her.
"I am terribly sorry, and you never loved me less. I was just no..." I cut her sentence second time in my life.
"Ok, don't say anything more." I stood up and went to my study.
I sat on my father's rocking chair. I thought, I thought and I thought. Instead of feeling enraged or anything, I found that it was my mistake. I never gave Kelly any time in which we would talk. I always talked about my work and my office. She must really be feeling lonely and as an adult she must be looking for love. She has got her own needs. I didn't give her time. But something inside told me that it was her mistake, but still I brushed off the thought. I loved her and I had invested so much of my heart in her that I won't be able to live without her. She was just another part of my heart and a whole of my soul.
As for my best friend Jon, he is unmarried and must have slept with my wife only due to his irresistible lust. He is smart and gives attention to Kelly, Kelly must be automatically attracted to him. It's my mistake, if I can't give love to Kelly, I shouldn't expect loyalty from her. I won't forgive her because there is nothing to forgive about and as for my best friend, I don't know. If he will talk, I will also talk to him.
And that night I promised myself that from now on, I would love my wife very much and tend to her every need. And I would never again talk about the night.
I forgave myself for my shortcomings and that day was marked in my life for I forgave myself.
In the days that came, we didn't talk much. I tried to be as normal to her as possible. But she was quite, never really responding to me. She was that same homely wife. I also took leaves to drive her around the country-side. I knew that she always loved the country-side views. But she was never really there. I think she was too guilty of what she had done. Our relationship was not the way it was before, she was extra careful in not offending me. Her humour was gone, but I didn't want her to be like that. I wanted the college Kelly back, the Kelly whom I kissed on the lips in front of our school sweeper (We didn't know he was sweeping in the same empty classroom).
"Forget about it Kelly, just be yourself. See I have forgotten it. I met Jon today, we had coffee in the office cafeteria." I told her one day. I was lying about meeting Jon, but I would never mind a coffee with my best friend. But in reality I didn't see Jon again after that evening.
"Oh, I am sorry Dave for that. I am really sorry and yeah I am getting back to my normal self. Good you met Jon." she said in her familiar soft voice.
"And did you like the necklace I gave you?"
"Yeah it was very pretty."
"So, why haven't worn it till now."
"You gifted me on the saddest day of my life and I will wear on the happiest day of my life" she said as she stood up to go to the kitchen.
Four years went by and we were going along happily.
Then one Thursday night, when I came back to my home, I again saw Jon's bike parked in the same spot where it was parked four years ago. I was outraged at first but without making any preconceptions, I ran upto the door of my house. It was open and I entered.
As I entered the house, I heard noises from my room. Now memories were pouring back. But wait someone was weeping in the room, these weren't noises but someone was really weeping.
This time the door was open unlike the last time four years ago. I entered the room and again I saw a scene which I won't forget for the rest of my life. Kelly was sitting at the corner of the room with my gun besides her. And Jon was lying just in front of me. He was dead, and I could see that there were two shots in his chest. I felt pity for my best friend. There was blood across the room floor. It was his blood. Tears flowed on my face, I loved him very much. And in my mind I told him "You are right there Jon."
"He tried to k..." Kelly didn't finish the sentence, she was crying very hard.
"Listen, go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water." I didn't want to hear the reason, I just didn't want to hate anyone of them.
"Dave, he..." I cut her sentence the third time in my life.
"I don't want to hear the reason. I will do what I can." I didn't want to understand the situation, I just wanted to save my wife, my pretty wife.
I heard the police sirens after five minutes. I turned towards Kelly.
"I was afraid and in that I called the police." she said. Now this was turning a hell for me. Everything was black in my mind.
The police entered the house and sealed it.
We were standing in our garage surrounded by the police personnel. After two hours we were called inside the house.
"What happened here?" the strong burly officer asked us.
"Jon came t..." I cut Kelly's sentence for the fourth and the last time in my life.
"I killed him." I told the officer. I didn't see Kelly's face. They arrested me.
After four days my hearing took place. I confessed the charges of committing the crime, and that day Dave Weller was handed a life sentence for killing his best friend. After the judgement, I was taken out of the court and there I saw Kelly coming out of the court crowd. I wanted to see her and gulp her the last time under the sun. I loved her very much. As I watched her beautiful face, I saw something shining on her neck. She was wearing the necklace I gifted her the day I saw her having coitus with my best friend.
I still wonder about the things that happened on those two bed-room days. Funny how my adult life was defined by my bedroom floor and my bedroom sheet. Kelly never came to visit me in my cell number 12. I lost the two persons I loved the most and I think those two people lost the person they hated the most.
In the seven years I never cried, I just thought and waited for a woman called Kelly. There was nothing to regret in my life, just emptiness. I always lost in life, always. I stare at the ceiling and think what wrong I had done to Kelly that she never came.
I think I never gave them the chance to explain me the things that were happening. Why did I always think for them. Why? I don't know if they betrayed me or not, but I know that I was betrayed by my brain, by my instincts. You still wondering why I always used 'best friend' instead of saying Jon, because for me he was never the same honest Jon when he slept with my wife, he just remained my best friend. The title 'best friend' which I gave to him, sleeping with other's wife became my best friend's characteristic but not my Jon's characteristic. He slept with my wife as my best friend but never as Jon. That's why I loved Jon. I loved my wife.
I loved, loved, loved and loved but never got loved.
I forgave myself once and now again
I forgive myself for nothing...
I remember the day I got my first assignment success in my newly joined Multinational. I was feeling very elated and I wanted to gift my wife a necklace on the occasion. My boss gave an early leave that day. I went to Sotter's Jewellary shop and bought an expensive necklace for my wife, Kelly. I threw away the price tag because Kelly doesn't likes to spend so much money on such things. She is my queen, she is. I just can't spend more than a day without seeing her. I took the necklace and hurried off to home.
As soon I turned in our street, I saw Jon's bike parked in my garage. Now I was overjoyed, I would give my success news not only to my wife but also to my best friend. How happy he will become, I know that. He will punch me on my back and pointing towards his heart he will say,"You are right there"
I parked my car. I was going to ring the bell to my house when I remembered that I had left the back door in the morning. I wanted to surprise Kelly, so I turned towards the back of the house. On reaching the back door, it was still open. I pushed it gently so that Kelly won't hear me coming.
I was just gulping up happiness on imagining the good reaction of my best friend and my wife. The best news of my adult life till now will be shared with the most loved people of my life.
I reached the living room but there was noone in there. I heard some noise coming from my bedroom. The door to my room was closed. I pushed it open and the scene which I saw is the one I never wanted to remember but still whenever I go to sleep I see it. It's like a negative of a black and white photograph embedded in my brain.
My best friend was sleeping with my wife on my favourite sheet and in my favourite blanket. Just in front of me were Kelly's clothes spread on the floor. And she was there in my best friend's arms.
"Dave" she barely managed to say as she saw me. She was shocked to see me.
"What?" Jon said as he released Kelly from his arms.
"I got this for you Kelly" I kept the necklace box on her clothes on the floor.
My best friend turned to face me, you see he was faced towards Kelly. As he saw me he opened his mouth and then closed it. I think he didn't have anything to say.
"Listen Dave, please don't do someth..." I didn't allow Kelly to complete her sentence as I closed the door. It was the first time in my life that I didn't let her complete her sentence. She thought I would do something insane.
"I won't do anything" I shouted as I collapsed on my sofa. I choked as I tried to drink the glass of water kept on the table in front of me. I wasn't able to swallow what I saw. I wanted to run away, I didn't want to shoot or beat or kill any one of them. But I just wanted to run away. Somewhere far away.
I think I was just crying when I heard the back door getting closed, I turned and saw Kelly back in her clothes. She sat in front of me.
"Dave." she said softly, she was sobbing.
"I just want to ask one thing, did I love you less" I asked her, still without an eye-contact with her.
"I am terribly sorry, and you never loved me less. I was just no..." I cut her sentence second time in my life.
"Ok, don't say anything more." I stood up and went to my study.
I sat on my father's rocking chair. I thought, I thought and I thought. Instead of feeling enraged or anything, I found that it was my mistake. I never gave Kelly any time in which we would talk. I always talked about my work and my office. She must really be feeling lonely and as an adult she must be looking for love. She has got her own needs. I didn't give her time. But something inside told me that it was her mistake, but still I brushed off the thought. I loved her and I had invested so much of my heart in her that I won't be able to live without her. She was just another part of my heart and a whole of my soul.
As for my best friend Jon, he is unmarried and must have slept with my wife only due to his irresistible lust. He is smart and gives attention to Kelly, Kelly must be automatically attracted to him. It's my mistake, if I can't give love to Kelly, I shouldn't expect loyalty from her. I won't forgive her because there is nothing to forgive about and as for my best friend, I don't know. If he will talk, I will also talk to him.
And that night I promised myself that from now on, I would love my wife very much and tend to her every need. And I would never again talk about the night.
I forgave myself for my shortcomings and that day was marked in my life for I forgave myself.
In the days that came, we didn't talk much. I tried to be as normal to her as possible. But she was quite, never really responding to me. She was that same homely wife. I also took leaves to drive her around the country-side. I knew that she always loved the country-side views. But she was never really there. I think she was too guilty of what she had done. Our relationship was not the way it was before, she was extra careful in not offending me. Her humour was gone, but I didn't want her to be like that. I wanted the college Kelly back, the Kelly whom I kissed on the lips in front of our school sweeper (We didn't know he was sweeping in the same empty classroom).
"Forget about it Kelly, just be yourself. See I have forgotten it. I met Jon today, we had coffee in the office cafeteria." I told her one day. I was lying about meeting Jon, but I would never mind a coffee with my best friend. But in reality I didn't see Jon again after that evening.
"Oh, I am sorry Dave for that. I am really sorry and yeah I am getting back to my normal self. Good you met Jon." she said in her familiar soft voice.
"And did you like the necklace I gave you?"
"Yeah it was very pretty."
"So, why haven't worn it till now."
"You gifted me on the saddest day of my life and I will wear on the happiest day of my life" she said as she stood up to go to the kitchen.
Four years went by and we were going along happily.
Then one Thursday night, when I came back to my home, I again saw Jon's bike parked in the same spot where it was parked four years ago. I was outraged at first but without making any preconceptions, I ran upto the door of my house. It was open and I entered.
As I entered the house, I heard noises from my room. Now memories were pouring back. But wait someone was weeping in the room, these weren't noises but someone was really weeping.
This time the door was open unlike the last time four years ago. I entered the room and again I saw a scene which I won't forget for the rest of my life. Kelly was sitting at the corner of the room with my gun besides her. And Jon was lying just in front of me. He was dead, and I could see that there were two shots in his chest. I felt pity for my best friend. There was blood across the room floor. It was his blood. Tears flowed on my face, I loved him very much. And in my mind I told him "You are right there Jon."
"He tried to k..." Kelly didn't finish the sentence, she was crying very hard.
"Listen, go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water." I didn't want to hear the reason, I just didn't want to hate anyone of them.
"Dave, he..." I cut her sentence the third time in my life.
"I don't want to hear the reason. I will do what I can." I didn't want to understand the situation, I just wanted to save my wife, my pretty wife.
I heard the police sirens after five minutes. I turned towards Kelly.
"I was afraid and in that I called the police." she said. Now this was turning a hell for me. Everything was black in my mind.
The police entered the house and sealed it.
We were standing in our garage surrounded by the police personnel. After two hours we were called inside the house.
"What happened here?" the strong burly officer asked us.
"Jon came t..." I cut Kelly's sentence for the fourth and the last time in my life.
"I killed him." I told the officer. I didn't see Kelly's face. They arrested me.
After four days my hearing took place. I confessed the charges of committing the crime, and that day Dave Weller was handed a life sentence for killing his best friend. After the judgement, I was taken out of the court and there I saw Kelly coming out of the court crowd. I wanted to see her and gulp her the last time under the sun. I loved her very much. As I watched her beautiful face, I saw something shining on her neck. She was wearing the necklace I gifted her the day I saw her having coitus with my best friend.
I still wonder about the things that happened on those two bed-room days. Funny how my adult life was defined by my bedroom floor and my bedroom sheet. Kelly never came to visit me in my cell number 12. I lost the two persons I loved the most and I think those two people lost the person they hated the most.
In the seven years I never cried, I just thought and waited for a woman called Kelly. There was nothing to regret in my life, just emptiness. I always lost in life, always. I stare at the ceiling and think what wrong I had done to Kelly that she never came.
I think I never gave them the chance to explain me the things that were happening. Why did I always think for them. Why? I don't know if they betrayed me or not, but I know that I was betrayed by my brain, by my instincts. You still wondering why I always used 'best friend' instead of saying Jon, because for me he was never the same honest Jon when he slept with my wife, he just remained my best friend. The title 'best friend' which I gave to him, sleeping with other's wife became my best friend's characteristic but not my Jon's characteristic. He slept with my wife as my best friend but never as Jon. That's why I loved Jon. I loved my wife.
I loved, loved, loved and loved but never got loved.
I forgave myself once and now again
I forgive myself for nothing...
Saturday, March 29, 2008
aLl sAy iT's ovEr lEt's sEe
"Nothing left in life, we study our brAins off and go to damned coachings for 6 hours a day for our damned careers and after career damned jobs. It's over, just nothing. Only dragging life."
Said a very good friend of mine(hours after we gave the final board examination).
Tenth class over and only two years left in my beloved school, and people saying that the real life is going to start now and by the real life they mean struggle. Nothing just damned tensions.
At the starting of the tenth standard, I was told that it will be a very hard year. But instead I enjoyed a lot. Kept away from books as much I can. Still I think I did ok in the boards. Hope I get a good percentage.
People brag a lot about hardships and I tell you it's not very hard in the tenth boards.
I don't know about eleventh, let's see what we have got here. I have again made up my mind to study every hour for the two years(but I know I will never be able to do even quarter of it). I made the same promise to myself in tenth and you know what I never studied until the pre-boards came.
I have heard that the next two years will be difficult but tell you all, I will live it to the fullest. Let me look towards a more difficult and hard time.
Hope I will come out of this labyrinth with a lot of injuries because I love injuries. Injuries help a lot, they don't let you forget your bad as well as good times...
There is hope and the whole human kind has been living on hope.
Let's see what's in store.
Love?
Hardship?
Friendship?
Defeat?
or nothing...
I will tell you this after two years
Till I will help myself...
Said a very good friend of mine(hours after we gave the final board examination).
Tenth class over and only two years left in my beloved school, and people saying that the real life is going to start now and by the real life they mean struggle. Nothing just damned tensions.
At the starting of the tenth standard, I was told that it will be a very hard year. But instead I enjoyed a lot. Kept away from books as much I can. Still I think I did ok in the boards. Hope I get a good percentage.
People brag a lot about hardships and I tell you it's not very hard in the tenth boards.
I don't know about eleventh, let's see what we have got here. I have again made up my mind to study every hour for the two years(but I know I will never be able to do even quarter of it). I made the same promise to myself in tenth and you know what I never studied until the pre-boards came.
I have heard that the next two years will be difficult but tell you all, I will live it to the fullest. Let me look towards a more difficult and hard time.
Hope I will come out of this labyrinth with a lot of injuries because I love injuries. Injuries help a lot, they don't let you forget your bad as well as good times...
There is hope and the whole human kind has been living on hope.
Let's see what's in store.
Love?
Hardship?
Friendship?
Defeat?
or nothing...
I will tell you this after two years
Till I will help myself...
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Why do you have to go away???
Why do you have to go away?
with my heart still in a sway
When we really started to know each other
i think you mistook me as a brother
when we really started to talk
your going away is a real knock
you know what dear
your eyes are very clear
i don't know if you will remember me
please do cos' for that i don't take a fee
we never stood together like Leo and Kate
let's see what in offer does have our fate
it has been two years of wait
and now when i get you, why are going away straight
I waited for you under the sky
you never came, i won't ask why
even if you go out of this world to stay
i will remember you cos' i am not made of clay
but at least once tell me
that you love me
i know you do obviously
but i wanna hear, please that's a plea
i curse my bloody luck
everytime only my life sucks
even if you won't see me
just turn around n' i will always be free
i will never see you again
you don't know my pain
even if i don't hear you for decades
i will be standing right here under the stars battling all the blades
I Will love you forever
and never dare to forget to you ever
in my love there will be no slack
and i will always imagine you in black
Hope you live a life well lived
and never ever get stiffed
at last when i confessed my love
you are going to fly away like a dove
with my heart still in a sway
When we really started to know each other
i think you mistook me as a brother
when we really started to talk
your going away is a real knock
you know what dear
your eyes are very clear
i don't know if you will remember me
please do cos' for that i don't take a fee
we never stood together like Leo and Kate
let's see what in offer does have our fate
it has been two years of wait
and now when i get you, why are going away straight
I waited for you under the sky
you never came, i won't ask why
even if you go out of this world to stay
i will remember you cos' i am not made of clay
but at least once tell me
that you love me
i know you do obviously
but i wanna hear, please that's a plea
i curse my bloody luck
everytime only my life sucks
even if you won't see me
just turn around n' i will always be free
i will never see you again
you don't know my pain
even if i don't hear you for decades
i will be standing right here under the stars battling all the blades
I Will love you forever
and never dare to forget to you ever
in my love there will be no slack
and i will always imagine you in black
Hope you live a life well lived
and never ever get stiffed
at last when i confessed my love
you are going to fly away like a dove
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
16, tElling 15
My transition period is very long for anything, and this time due to this I suffered a huge loss. Two girls (who knew when my birthday comes) asked me my age, and out of habit for a year I told them, "I am 15 years old". They said, "Oh, you are younger than us" and went to their respective directions. They never talked to me again. I was utterly confused, I mean that the girls are also in tenth standard and I am one of the eldest guys in my class (my class consists of only boys, you see it's a boys' school). I gave some thought to the matter and then hit my head with my hindi guide (you see I don't really understand the prescribed textbook). I told the girls that I am 15 years old, even when I turned 16 about a month ago. Wow! the habit of saying 15 years old cost me two friends (and that too girls, now no sick thoughts about me). The girls must be thinking me as a kiddo. Now I am remembering the song '18 till I die'' by Bryan Adams, just a funny thought. Next time a girl asks me my age, I will tell her 16 and not going to die in any way. Also remembering a Britney song 'I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman', course I can't apply this song to myself in any case (I am a boy). I will say I'm not a kid, Not yet an adult (just a teen). It takes a good time for me to get used and aware of the change.
And another thing that I am still living in the previous year. I get in the habit of writing the current year only in the month of April, till then I mostly write the previous year everywhere. Like in my pre-boards I was scolded in every exam for writing 2007 instead of 2008 in the date column. The teacher also went on to say that I don't deserve to give the board examination if I can't remember the year. Gosh! I thought the board checkers had only concern with our mugging and cramming skills.
I pray to god that next time, a girl shouldn't ask me my age but instead ask me my birth year which is 1992(thanks to god it remains constant for me, dunno bout' other people). That's why I love girls who ask me my birth year and not my age(I always end up telling myself younger).
P.S. (only for girls) - I am sixteen and living in 2008.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
List two ways of Family Planning.
1 hour and 10 minutes are left in the examination (you see it's a two and a half hour examination). And I am stuck on the 6th question of the biology section. The question goes like this "List two ways of family planning." Now how am I supposed to know the answer to this question? I am not even an adult, let alone a married person. And from what I know, even a married person would not answer a question like this, so why should I? Don't know what the teachers were thinking when they put this question in the question paper. Sometimes these teachers really stretch our imagination to the limit. If I screw up this paper, I will give the blame to this question. It has distracted me a lot. Instead of using ethanoic acid as a preservative in the pickles, I have been thinking that how would I have planned my family. But what's the advantage? I won't get married, that's for sure. No girl in the right mind would marry a weird guy like me. So why corrupt my tender soul by thinking about family planning. Let alone the barrier methods, contraceptive or the damned IUCDs, I am not going to write this answer any way. I am watching my friends scribbling hard in their answer sheet, they are writing the family planning answer only. From what I can see, the boy sitting in front of me wants 3 kids, the boy sitting besides me wants 8 kids. Gosh, he is planning his family or the whole of the colony. Oh now I remember, our biology teacher said,"The more the kids you will write, the more the marks I will give you" But please mam next time give us a more sensible question.
Lolzz. n' Happy Family Planning.
Lolzz. n' Happy Family Planning.
Friday, February 15, 2008
That mOment
Everything has something special, a special moment, a special thing but yes absolutely something special. You know what, whenever i am reading a novel, after reading 10-20 pages i read directly it's last page. It is not that i want to know the ending, but just i love the last line of every novel. Because in the last line each writer gives his emotions a very big gap. We can feel the satisfaction of the mind of the writer. It feels very satisfactory to read the last line, it has a magic in itself. I think that is the reason i always remember the last line of most of the novels i read.
We also search that moment in a song, i hear a song for it's 10-15 magical seconds, in which the singer takes my mind and life to a high. But just to listen to those seconds we have to hear the whole song.
Same is with life, we live in this world for the most time just to make a platform for something special. That special thing which defines our life, that moment in which you kiss all your worries away and do something which you always wanted to. Even when you love somebody, there are some moments which you never forget (not that all other moments are waste) but still the magic of the relationship is in only those moments.
I am writing this article and my magical moment in doing this thing was when i wrote the first paragraph of this. You never search those moments, it just comes to you.
Don't live for the bad parts of your life. Don't live for this world because the world doesn't live for you. Live for that special moment and always keep forming a platform for that special moment or thing. As we see a sportsman always have a peak match and we remember him for that only (you see human mind doesn't remembers statistics of anything, it just remembers those heart feelings). Those feelings which touches the soul.
Live, live for your love, for your ambition, for your heart and always for that special moment in which you capture magic...
Good Luck...
We also search that moment in a song, i hear a song for it's 10-15 magical seconds, in which the singer takes my mind and life to a high. But just to listen to those seconds we have to hear the whole song.
Same is with life, we live in this world for the most time just to make a platform for something special. That special thing which defines our life, that moment in which you kiss all your worries away and do something which you always wanted to. Even when you love somebody, there are some moments which you never forget (not that all other moments are waste) but still the magic of the relationship is in only those moments.
I am writing this article and my magical moment in doing this thing was when i wrote the first paragraph of this. You never search those moments, it just comes to you.
Don't live for the bad parts of your life. Don't live for this world because the world doesn't live for you. Live for that special moment and always keep forming a platform for that special moment or thing. As we see a sportsman always have a peak match and we remember him for that only (you see human mind doesn't remembers statistics of anything, it just remembers those heart feelings). Those feelings which touches the soul.
Live, live for your love, for your ambition, for your heart and always for that special moment in which you capture magic...
Good Luck...
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Happy Birthday to mE
It is 11:47 pm of 29th January, and i have switched my cell phone to the vibratory mode, you see tomorrow is my birthday. I have switched my cell to the vibratory mode because i am expecting messages from many people, and i don't want my mum to hear the cell screaming again and again. Not that i don't want to disturb her, but just that i don't want her to come to my room to check out the noise and read my messages (you see i will get messages from many uncensored people).
11:51. My dear friend Arpit just called me to wish me a very happy birthday. I asked him that why he called me 9 minutes earlier, he said his watch is showing 12 of 30th morning. But atleast he called (i was happy for that).
I have been looking forward to the birthday from the evening only, because a female friend of mine asked me my cell number, and she said that she would message me exactly at midnight. So i am just waiting for her message, i planned that i would tell her that she is the first one to wish me, but Arpit's watch destroyed it. Still i will message her something sweet. I think it will be my best birthday because first time a girl will wish me and that also at midnight (atleast it is special for me). And most of my friends now own their own cell phones, so they will also message me, and of course my cousin sister whom i love so much will message me. It is the wishes i love to have, not the gifts. So it will be the special birthday for me. The wishes creates a sense that they remember you.
11:59. I am feeling very elated, but i hope the girl wishes me first.
12:00. Yo 30th January is back after a year. But this will be a special birthday for me. I am waiting for messages. I think they are mid-way in the air.
12:02. No messages till now, i think the strong wind has diverted their path for some time. I will wait.
12:05. No message. Damn it, everyone forgot my birthday, even that girl. Hope she didn't make a fool of me. My dear cousin sister also forgot me and the ultimate, my dear best friends have also forgotten my birthday. But still with a mighty heart i am waiting with my cell in my hand and listening to Linkin Park.
12:17. Her mobile must have gone out of charging. My cousin isn't getting the time, she must be studying hard for her medical year and my dear friends must have slept early after a long hard day in their study room.
Time is now going on. The special moment of my birthday gone with me alone in this room. She didn't message me and they didn't call me either. God please, the next time i meet her please make her speak such an excuse that i would believe her without any second thought. And as to my friends, i am deeply disappointed, for i always remember their birthdays and wish them at midnight. That means i am mad that i always take care in wishing them. I don't want to pass any judgement on my friends only on this wishing case, but still from now i will take less care in remembering their birthdays. I think i am very disappointed because i believed that they would absolutely message me, and not for a moment i thought that the girl would falter in messaging. Failures in absolute expectations do hurt a lot.
Still i will say
Happy Birthday to me and god bless me...
11:51. My dear friend Arpit just called me to wish me a very happy birthday. I asked him that why he called me 9 minutes earlier, he said his watch is showing 12 of 30th morning. But atleast he called (i was happy for that).
I have been looking forward to the birthday from the evening only, because a female friend of mine asked me my cell number, and she said that she would message me exactly at midnight. So i am just waiting for her message, i planned that i would tell her that she is the first one to wish me, but Arpit's watch destroyed it. Still i will message her something sweet. I think it will be my best birthday because first time a girl will wish me and that also at midnight (atleast it is special for me). And most of my friends now own their own cell phones, so they will also message me, and of course my cousin sister whom i love so much will message me. It is the wishes i love to have, not the gifts. So it will be the special birthday for me. The wishes creates a sense that they remember you.
11:59. I am feeling very elated, but i hope the girl wishes me first.
12:00. Yo 30th January is back after a year. But this will be a special birthday for me. I am waiting for messages. I think they are mid-way in the air.
12:02. No messages till now, i think the strong wind has diverted their path for some time. I will wait.
12:05. No message. Damn it, everyone forgot my birthday, even that girl. Hope she didn't make a fool of me. My dear cousin sister also forgot me and the ultimate, my dear best friends have also forgotten my birthday. But still with a mighty heart i am waiting with my cell in my hand and listening to Linkin Park.
12:17. Her mobile must have gone out of charging. My cousin isn't getting the time, she must be studying hard for her medical year and my dear friends must have slept early after a long hard day in their study room.
Time is now going on. The special moment of my birthday gone with me alone in this room. She didn't message me and they didn't call me either. God please, the next time i meet her please make her speak such an excuse that i would believe her without any second thought. And as to my friends, i am deeply disappointed, for i always remember their birthdays and wish them at midnight. That means i am mad that i always take care in wishing them. I don't want to pass any judgement on my friends only on this wishing case, but still from now i will take less care in remembering their birthdays. I think i am very disappointed because i believed that they would absolutely message me, and not for a moment i thought that the girl would falter in messaging. Failures in absolute expectations do hurt a lot.
Still i will say
Happy Birthday to me and god bless me...
Friday, January 25, 2008
Will I ???
I watch the waves
listening people's raves
wondering if i will ever
be something called clever
or something tough
and eat my own puff
will i ever get a job
or just get lost in the mob
but i don't want to live
just to eat and give
still the world will take me
with the waves seriously
and i will be like a tree
depended on the world for serosity
thinking people don't survive here
they are called a stupid mare
but what if i don't succeed
in the studying try
and beg for my need
god doesn't gives everyone the same brain
so why do all go to the same drain
why don't we try
something new
why are we so dry
and always in the queue
let's take a novel path
and open our hearts
and take a holy bath
instead of one make individual starts
change the stinking world
and don't allow our mind
to be whirled
and don't get bind
but will i ever be
able to follow
this lecture let's see
cos' inside i am really hollow
hope i wont lose
and do the same
go for the stinking job and try
Will I ???
listening people's raves
wondering if i will ever
be something called clever
or something tough
and eat my own puff
will i ever get a job
or just get lost in the mob
but i don't want to live
just to eat and give
still the world will take me
with the waves seriously
and i will be like a tree
depended on the world for serosity
thinking people don't survive here
they are called a stupid mare
but what if i don't succeed
in the studying try
and beg for my need
god doesn't gives everyone the same brain
so why do all go to the same drain
why don't we try
something new
why are we so dry
and always in the queue
let's take a novel path
and open our hearts
and take a holy bath
instead of one make individual starts
change the stinking world
and don't allow our mind
to be whirled
and don't get bind
but will i ever be
able to follow
this lecture let's see
cos' inside i am really hollow
hope i wont lose
and do the same
go for the stinking job and try
Will I ???
Good Night
I am watching the moon being shadowed with my life...
I took out my blanket and in this January cold, covered myself with it. No matter what the weather is, I always switch on the fan. Don't know but the voice of the fan rotating gives me a sense of security. As soon I switch on the fan, I run to my bed and jump into my blanket and cover myself wholly with the blanket, so that the air should not be able to touch me. Lying on the bed I think how I am wasting my mum and dad's money on my worthless books (you see I don't read them) and I feel guilty how I wasted the whole thinking about crap. Damn, it's a bad feeling to think about the time I wasted the whole day.
Sleeping gives me hope, a hope which I tie to myself when I go to sleep. A hope that I will do good tommorrow. That I will be a changed person the next morning. Of course sleeping gives you a false sense of security and you also know that. But for people like me who have nothing except a beautiful and cursed sleep, it's a boon.
After my dreams comes the creeping sounds of the refrigirators, pages ruffling due to the force applied by the fan. I am mostly terrified due to these spooky sounds. I always check if there is a thief in the house even when I know that there's noone.
Next I try to clear the guilt from my mind, but who has ever succeeded in doing that. I tell my brain that sleeping is the most tension-free and the most tension-full time of the day, so try to go away from the damn tension. So with the guilt I reflect on the happy parts of my life, like thinking about the girl I love the most or something similar to that. It's a pleasure to think about it, my brain's elation it is. I just love that feeling. I start concentrating on the dark ceiling, not that I can see it but the position of my head is always at ninety degrees. Watching the dark room, I turn from one side to another very uneasily. But never able to get set on one position, still loving that elation and that moment.
But as I start enjoying that feeling, tiredness creeps over me and envelops me into sleep. A sleep which is broken by my mum every damned morning.
Good Night...
Sleeping time is the only owned time of a loser...
I took out my blanket and in this January cold, covered myself with it. No matter what the weather is, I always switch on the fan. Don't know but the voice of the fan rotating gives me a sense of security. As soon I switch on the fan, I run to my bed and jump into my blanket and cover myself wholly with the blanket, so that the air should not be able to touch me. Lying on the bed I think how I am wasting my mum and dad's money on my worthless books (you see I don't read them) and I feel guilty how I wasted the whole thinking about crap. Damn, it's a bad feeling to think about the time I wasted the whole day.
Sleeping gives me hope, a hope which I tie to myself when I go to sleep. A hope that I will do good tommorrow. That I will be a changed person the next morning. Of course sleeping gives you a false sense of security and you also know that. But for people like me who have nothing except a beautiful and cursed sleep, it's a boon.
After my dreams comes the creeping sounds of the refrigirators, pages ruffling due to the force applied by the fan. I am mostly terrified due to these spooky sounds. I always check if there is a thief in the house even when I know that there's noone.
Next I try to clear the guilt from my mind, but who has ever succeeded in doing that. I tell my brain that sleeping is the most tension-free and the most tension-full time of the day, so try to go away from the damn tension. So with the guilt I reflect on the happy parts of my life, like thinking about the girl I love the most or something similar to that. It's a pleasure to think about it, my brain's elation it is. I just love that feeling. I start concentrating on the dark ceiling, not that I can see it but the position of my head is always at ninety degrees. Watching the dark room, I turn from one side to another very uneasily. But never able to get set on one position, still loving that elation and that moment.
But as I start enjoying that feeling, tiredness creeps over me and envelops me into sleep. A sleep which is broken by my mum every damned morning.
Good Night...
Sleeping time is the only owned time of a loser...
i will hAunt yOu
I will haunt you till my death
you will not be able to take a single breath
sleep is what you will never get again
this i am assuring you even in this damned pain
i still have the dagger
with which you hit me
still remember the manner
with which you hated me
life will be long for you
and you know you will be killed by who
you never deserved to be loved
because you are a doll full hate stuffed
see me in your dreams
and wake up in damned screams
you killed my crying heart
and ripped my soul apart
i still hear your damned swears
and forgetting my living cheers
i left everything for you
never thought you will do this too
dying to live to remember you
not in a good way
but just
you know what
I will haunt yOu...
you will not be able to take a single breath
sleep is what you will never get again
this i am assuring you even in this damned pain
i still have the dagger
with which you hit me
still remember the manner
with which you hated me
life will be long for you
and you know you will be killed by who
you never deserved to be loved
because you are a doll full hate stuffed
see me in your dreams
and wake up in damned screams
you killed my crying heart
and ripped my soul apart
i still hear your damned swears
and forgetting my living cheers
i left everything for you
never thought you will do this too
dying to live to remember you
not in a good way
but just
you know what
I will haunt yOu...
cRam it Like nO oNe
This poem was written by me when my mother started her traditional "OK, now start studying" lecture. The poem fetched me an award in Avant Garde Awards .
Yeah yeah mum learning
the pages are turning
I am sitting here alone
waiting for my clone
Why do i have to learn
when i want to live the real world
and let my brain burn
when i am in a fix and curled
I know learning will bring me bucks
but a slave's life sucks
I wanna observe the sky
and ask myself why
do i have to learn
just to make my life turn
You cram, work and die
become mad, rich and mud
never understood why life is so sly
You never ever wonder
why's life a blunder
God must be in a real thunder
who sent you here to cram under
You think you are cool
cos' you cram like a fool
but the real coolness is in thinking
not just turning the pages and blinking
But i will never be like you
and make my mind like poo
So mum just listen
and come out of the kitchen
that now i will listen to my heart
and not learn just to pull a cart
I want to discover life new
and become one of the few
who dared to be distinctive
and learnt to live their instinctive
I want everything to make my own perspective
and never listen to the others respective
But mum if you still want a crammer
I am sorry and i put the hammer
that you give birth to a new one
who could cram it like no one.
Yeah yeah mum learning
the pages are turning
I am sitting here alone
waiting for my clone
Why do i have to learn
when i want to live the real world
and let my brain burn
when i am in a fix and curled
I know learning will bring me bucks
but a slave's life sucks
I wanna observe the sky
and ask myself why
do i have to learn
just to make my life turn
You cram, work and die
become mad, rich and mud
never understood why life is so sly
You never ever wonder
why's life a blunder
God must be in a real thunder
who sent you here to cram under
You think you are cool
cos' you cram like a fool
but the real coolness is in thinking
not just turning the pages and blinking
But i will never be like you
and make my mind like poo
So mum just listen
and come out of the kitchen
that now i will listen to my heart
and not learn just to pull a cart
I want to discover life new
and become one of the few
who dared to be distinctive
and learnt to live their instinctive
I want everything to make my own perspective
and never listen to the others respective
But mum if you still want a crammer
I am sorry and i put the hammer
that you give birth to a new one
who could cram it like no one.
nEw yEar eVe
Sitting here in my room, I am writing another post for my beloved blog. According to my watch the current time is 9:57, and the date is 31st december 2007. So 2008 is about to come. Today was nothing special as I again ignored my studies for the pre-boards from the morning. At 8:30 in the night my relatives called up my parents so that they together celebrate the new year. My parents went there, you see I refused to go. I love to remain alone in the house at such moments.
I switched on the television, many news channels were showing the celebrations in different parts of the country, people dancing in goa, animals singing in Assam :) and other news channels were showing the recap of this another worthless year. Getting bored of the television, I switched on my PC.
Really I was feeling sad, I don't know but this was a very bad and a very good year for me. Sitting alone in this room, I am feeling very hmm... you can say empty. Very empty. I am missing someone badly. 2007 was very remarkable for me. I betrayed my friends big time and got forgiven from them big time. This year I found that I can also write something. I loved my life for being so ugly and hated it to be so lovely, it's funny but I like the opposites. In studies, I lost a damn lot of acceleration. Gathered too much of experience in life. Even if I didn't study well, I lived my life to the fullest. Got in love, got out of it (that's the bad part). Learnt that everyone is not fair in this world. To say in short it was like a tear from the eye which didn't follow the laws of gravity (and fell to the ground) but like a tear which floated in the air. I lost and gained, that's life, you have to face it.
Sitting I am reflecting how valuable this year, how cute this year. How much I will love this, how will it go to my memory.
My dad just called me, I have to go to my relative's house to celebrate the coming of another new year, to get bored by their talks about my boardz.
Happy New Year again...
I switched on the television, many news channels were showing the celebrations in different parts of the country, people dancing in goa, animals singing in Assam :) and other news channels were showing the recap of this another worthless year. Getting bored of the television, I switched on my PC.
Really I was feeling sad, I don't know but this was a very bad and a very good year for me. Sitting alone in this room, I am feeling very hmm... you can say empty. Very empty. I am missing someone badly. 2007 was very remarkable for me. I betrayed my friends big time and got forgiven from them big time. This year I found that I can also write something. I loved my life for being so ugly and hated it to be so lovely, it's funny but I like the opposites. In studies, I lost a damn lot of acceleration. Gathered too much of experience in life. Even if I didn't study well, I lived my life to the fullest. Got in love, got out of it (that's the bad part). Learnt that everyone is not fair in this world. To say in short it was like a tear from the eye which didn't follow the laws of gravity (and fell to the ground) but like a tear which floated in the air. I lost and gained, that's life, you have to face it.
Sitting I am reflecting how valuable this year, how cute this year. How much I will love this, how will it go to my memory.
My dad just called me, I have to go to my relative's house to celebrate the coming of another new year, to get bored by their talks about my boardz.
Happy New Year again...
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